Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 Resolutions

The time has again come! Time to recount last year’s resolutions and make some for next year. Let us begin.

First, let’s recount the resolutions for 2011

~Get in shape. Year 4, I know. This time I have a better plan. I want to be in shape my October 31st because of my next resolution… (I normally call this an epic fail…this year it’s only a minor one. I did lose enough weight to get back to my average size and maintain it. I also worked out more this year than in years past and I spent more of the year eating healthy. It’s a good start anyway.)

~Dress like Stephanie Brown for Halloween (Batgirl or Robin, I’m not sure yet) (Success! I dressed as Robin for Halloween! There’s pictures to prove it. Little did I realize when I made this resolution that DC would lampoon Steph again and this would be so meaningful.)

~Find an artist for the podcast art and ramp up traffic (Minor success/minor fail. I did ramp up traffic when we actually did podcasts…but not as much as I wanted. And I did kinda find n artist…I’m just still waiting for the finished product.)

~Do well in school
(Neither success, nor fail. I had to drop classes due to medical issues. It happens.)

~Find a balance in my life and find a way to be at peace (MAJOR success. The first half of the year sucked, but the second I got a job I love and I’m happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been.}

~Learn to play my guitar (Didn’t happen, but oh well…someday.)

Now for 2012’s resolutions:

~ Year 5, get in shape….specifically get to the size I was when I came to Austin.

~ Get my own place (with a roommate).

~ Continue to live life my way, on my terms.

~ Do my very best at work and remain grateful every day for my awesome job.

~ Max out my character’s levels on WoW and DCUO

~ Pay off most of my credit card debt (first and foremost all of the money I borrowed from Mom’s CC)

So that’s it! Wish me luck! Happy 2012!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Insight into Depression

First of all I think it’s important to understand why I’m writing this. I know everyone’s experiences are unique and different. I am hoping, however, that my experience is relatable and can perhaps help someone else or offer them insight into themselves.

My story starts when I was 15. This was the first time I realized something was off with me. I was never happy, even when I knew I should be. I had a lot of pain bottled up inside and I didn’t know how to verbalize it. This is when I turned to cutting. It started with smashed tin cans with jagged edges. I couldn’t stomach cutting myself with a knife at first. I found that the cutting ‘released’ the pain. It gave me a sense of control I otherwise didn’t have. It also allowed my internal pain to be visible externally. I’ve often been asked if it hurt when I cut. At the time I was doing it, no. It felt good. It would hurt in the days after at times, but during the act it was almost a relief…so much so that the tin cans did eventually turn to knives. At one point I had a knife hidden under my mattress for easy access.

I hid my cuts under long sleeves, no matter how hot it was outside. No one questioned me…until they did. A friend of mine eventually put 2 and 2 together and later my stepmother did. It was then I was forced to ask for help. I lived with my father at the time and I went and told him I thought I was depressed.

Before I continue there are two very important things to note here. 1) I never told him about the cutting specifically. It’s only been in recent months I’ve told him that part. 2) To this very day he denies the following ever happened. I know for a fact it did. It was in January of 2000. I have the event written in a diary I kept at that time. I’m not sure if he truly believes this didn’t happen or if he’s trying to convince me it didn’t, regardless, this is my account of how *I* KNOW it happened.

I went into my father’s room and explained how I’d been feeling and that I was depressed. I told him I needed help. He responded by telling me I was too young to know was depression was and that this was a sick cry for attention. I started to cry and plea for him to listen. In retrospect I’m not sure how clearly I was even speaking at this point. His response was to tell me if I was going to act like a child he would treat me like one. I was sent to the corner to face the wall for a ‘time out’. I sat there and cried until I was sent to my room. Once I made it to my room I cried and cried. I wanted to die then and there. I remembered the knife stashed under my mattress. I knew if I grabbed it at that point I would go too far. I knew I would kill myself. To this day I’m not entirely sure why, but something in me fought against picking up the knife that night. I literally clung to the corners of my mattress as I battled myself against digging out that knife. I cried and clung to my mattress until I finally crashed from exhaustion.

In the months that followed I continued to cut but I took even more care to conceal it. I suffered through the depression alone. At some point I actually managed to convince myself I was fine. I convinced myself I wasn’t depressed.

In my senior year of high school I moved back in with my mom. She saw clearly I needed help and she tried to get me help. But I was convinced I was fine. I did not want to be on medication for the rest of my life. It took months or arguments and battles but I finally did go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. For a couple of years I was fine.

At some point I got it in my crazy head I was cured and that I didn’t need medication anymore. I took myself off of it. Let me say that again. I took MYSELF off it. Anyone that knows anything about medication knows you should never take yourself off any med. If you are going to go off any medication you should always consult a doctor.

Fortunately I was fine, for awhile. For quite awhile. Until I wasn’t.

I was 23 and it had been six years since the last time I cut. Something in me snapped I sunk to a level of depression I had never before seen. Quite simply, I was out of control. I started having horrible anxiety attacks to the point I couldn’t even deal with going to work. I started cutting again. I got to the point that I would flip out and go hysterical for almost nothing at all.

One night I got so bad that I grabbed an almost full box of sleep aid. I was going to down them all. My life was a mess. I had pushed away everyone that mattered to me. I had single handedly trashed my life to a point I felt was beyond repair. I saw no silver lining anywhere and I was convinced it would never get better. I wanted out. I was done. I would have taken those sleep aids if my older brother hadn’t walked in. He literally had to tackle me to get them out of my hand. He took them and disposed of them then he talked me down.

At this point I realized I needed help in the most severe way. I went to the doctor the next day. I didn’t have a regular doctor. I just took the first one that would see me. I went in and explained my situation to her. She was worried I was a danger to myself and she sent me to a mental hospital for evaluation. As I was sitting in the waiting room filled with other psych patients it was then I realized how far out of control I’d actually spun out. I made a conscious decision at that point to get better…to get my life back.

It was that decision that kept me from being committed that day. By the time the doctors saw me I had made up my mind that I didn’t want to die. After evaluations from three doctors they decided I wasn’t a danger to myself or others and they released me on the condition I go back for outpatient treatment. And I did. I saw a psychiatrist on a regular basis and we went through different medications until we found one that worked. I also started therapy.

I want to pause and make a very important point here…we had to try different medications until we found one that worked. Too many times people try one and give up when it doesn’t work. I’ve been on Celexa, Zoloft, and Paxil CR in various doses. None of those worked for me. Do they work for some? Absolutely. I know someone that is doing very well on Zoloft. It didn’t work for me. If you are having issues with depression stay in contact with your doctor and adjust your medication until it works. This is a very personal process and one you should be very active in.

I finally settled on Paxil. Just normal Paxil. It took a little dosing adjustment but eventually, after months of trial and error, we got it right and life was good again. I moved back in with my mom (I’d been living on my own after college) and started to get my life back on track.

A couple years later I noticed some of my symptoms coming back. I went back to the doctor and my medication got adjusted and I got a higher dose. This worked, but not for long. The next step was to change meds again. This time I got switched to Efexor. Like with Paxil it took some dose adjustment to get it right, but we did. This is the medication I remain on today.

Throughout this process I learned I will never be cured. I will likely be on some sort of medication for the rest of my life, and that’s ok. Depression is an illness, just like diabetes or any other life long condition. Some people take insulin everyday to maintain a normal life. I have to take pills. It’s just the cards I was dealt. I also learned I am not a “former” cutter. I am a recovering cutter and I will be forever. Cutting is a vice like drinking or drugs. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism. There are times I still do get the urge to cut and I fight it. I am always at risk of “falling off the wagon”. All I can do is maintain awareness of this fact and take it one day at a time.

I’ve also learned what to look for in myself. If my symptoms start to creep back up I go to my doctor right away and get my medication adjusted. Whether it’s a different dose or a different medication altogether there is a way to balance it out. It’s a constant work in progress. I have to stay very aware of my moods and determine if what I’m feeling is normal depression for a reason or irrational depression that is part of my illness. The longer I deal with this illness the more self aware I become. I also rely on those around me to tell me if I’m acting abnormal. I’ve learned to trust their comments. I may not see what they do. If I have those closest to me tell me I’m not myself then I go to my doctor for evaluation.

Again, everyone is different. This is my story. This is what I went through and how I came through it. I don’t proclaim to know your story or what will work for you. I can only offer up my experience and hope it helps in some way. The most important thing to know is that you are not alone. Millions of people suffer from depression. Some are on medication for a short time, others are lifers like me. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It is an illness, but a treatable one. You can over come it. Look within yourself and fight it.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Review: "Green Lantern"

- FX were not as bad as I thought. They were really good actually with the exception of the Lantern costume which was awful.

- Blake Lively was really good as Carol Farris. I expected her to suck but she rocked it. I hope we get to see her as a Star Sapphire in the sequel.

- Ryan Reynolds was a poor choice for Hal Jordan. I like Ryan just not as Hal.

- I totally get why Kara has a crush on Hal in the comics.

- It was obvious the writers were trying to find middle ground between apeasing hard core fans and the general public. They never found that middle ground and it hurt the pace of the movie.

- The writing wasn't bad...just could have been better.

- Mark Strong rocked it as Sinestro.

- Overall pretty good first installment. Set up potential for a GREAT second movie.

- If you go see it STAY into the credits. It is beyond worth it.

- Next point is the only spoiler, you were warned






SPOILER BELOW!!!!!!





- After the end credits start Sinestro puts on the yellow ring and the Sinestro Corps suit appeared on him which was really cool and set up the sequel.

Friday, July 1, 2011

My Dream Job!

So if you have been reading my blog, LiveJournal, Facebook, Twitter...or really talked to me in any way, shape, or form then you know I've been out of work for the last 4 months because I've been suffering from TMJ.

Slowly but surely it's getting better. I will ultimately still need surgery, but I'm functional again.

That being said I had to go back to work at some point. My FMLA was up and so it was time. Now, my job is 1/3 of the reason I was having TMJ issues. The stress and constant talking of my job was just not really good for my jaw issues.

The again there is also the fact that my job was abnormally stressful. If you happen to have worked with me there you know what I'm talking about. I knew going back would be a bad thing for my stress level, thus my jaw. The mere thought of going back was giving me panic attacks.

Then, a few days ago I had a brilliant idea. The company I work for has on site child care. I'm a major in early childhood development. If the on site daycare had a job opening well...

So come to find out they did have two job openings. I went and interviewed, impressed the daycare director, and got the job! My dream job!

So today was my first day. It was amazing. I got to work with the 18-24 month olds and the 3-5 year olds. It was exhausting, but amazing. I'm sore from head to toe and I care barely keep my eyes open I'm so tired. I thank the goddess for naptime. It was 2 hours of recoup. I don't think any daycare teacher could handle the job without naptime. My only complaint about the job is outside time and that is only because it's too damn hot to be outside right now. This is a really hot, dry summer and it is too hot for man or beast out there.

I loved working with the kids. This one little girl in the 18-24 month class just stole my heart. I adore her so much. The was the little 3 yr old that was being disagreeable with everyone. By the end of the day he didn't wanna play with any of the teachers but me. I managed to win the little guy over. There was this other little 5 yr old that tricked me into letting her take food out to the playground, which is a no-no I found out. After that I had my eye on her. She's a little con-artist in the making. I saw two little girls team up against one little girl. It was like Mean Girls Jr. I realized how evil little girls can be to each other. It starts young. If I ever see Savannah (my future daughter) treat someone that way she is gonna get her little bottom smacked...oh wait....can't do that anymore in Texas...explains so much.

I digress. The point is I had an amazing day at work and I LOVE my new job. If I never sit in a cubicle with a headset again it'll be too soon. I have my dream job! Thank you Goddess. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

So that's my happy ending to this FMLA tale. Unfortunately the TMJ story is just beginning.

But for now I'm going to enjoy getting my life back and working my amazing new job.

~Cilla

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Allow me to fangurl out for a moment...

We interupt your regularly scheduled non-reboot ranting for a little bit of fangurl dorkiness:

So it has long been my dream to have a movie in which Stephanie Gatschet plays Kara and Amy Gumenick plays Steph (I recently made a mock movie poster for my own amusement) as well I'd love Matt Bomer to be Dick...being the Dick/Kara shipper I am you know I had to have a Nightwing for my Supergirl. I digress.

Anyway, I've tweeted said desires recently and to my absolute amazement both Steph and Amy retweeted them...not just retweeted, but retweeted with comments! Amy said that playing Steph sounded like fun and Steph said she LOVED the idea of playing Kara with Matt as Dick. And, who knows, maybe she'll tell Matt about it. She used to be on Guiding Light with him and one of her friends has been on White Collar recently, so maybe they talk still. That would kinda be cool.

Yes yes, I know this really amounts to nothing. At all. It's not like they have power at DC to make this happen, but it's still really awesome to me that they liked the idea enough to retweet and comment. I <3 them so much right now.

So yes, I'm reserving the right to be a total fan gurl geek. Go ahead and laugh. I'm gonna sit her and smile.

That is all...

Open Letter to Dan Didio

Dear Mr. Didio,

I write this as an open letter posted online in hopes that somehow it might actually make it to your eyes. The internet is great that way.

It is clear to me that you strongly dislike heroines. Is it strong women you detest? Women that are realistic yet heroic? Maybe just females in general? I make no assumptions as to why this is, but it clearly is. With the exception of Diana Prince and Barbara Gordon you seem to really hate your own female characters.

In 2007 when asked about why Stephanie Brown did not have a memorial in the Batcave you replied it was because she was never really a Robin. Not only is this contradictory to what Bruce said on panel, but it is extremely disrespectful to Stephanie as a character. Stephanie most certainly was a Robin. She trained with Bruce, she patrolled and fought by his side, and in the end she was fearless enough to risk her life to prove her worth to him. Of course, your comment shouldn’t surprise me considering that she was killed off as a plot device in a very gruesome and sexualized manner.

It was only when Stephanie fans revolted that you were forced to bring back Stephanie. Because, guess what? Stephanie is a great character that is loved by many. She is real, relatable, and fun. Yeah, she’s not a computer genius or an Amazon princess…that’s why we love her!

Most recently you commented about all the past Robins getting their own book, this was referencing Dick, Tim, and Jason. Once again Steph was overlooked as having been a Robin…right, you don’t consider her one.

While I do not know for sure you are the one behind Stephanie losing her Batgirl mantle, it is known the reboot was your brain child and that you’ve wanted Barbara back as Batgirl for quite some time. I think it is a safe conclusion that you’re the reason for Steph being disrespected…again.

Stephanie was becoming a popular Batgirl with a great creative team. They had a consistently solid and successful book. Why break up a winning combo? Oh, right…Barbara.

Barbara fans don’t want her back as Batgirl. She has transcended that role. She was important as Oracle. She was an inspiration to many. Most importantly she grew. Whereas Batgirl was a character growth for Stephanie. It’s the role she deserved to be in and it worked. You’ve managed to upset both Barbara and Steph fans. Great job.

But it’s not just the Batgirls you disrespect. Oh no, it’s Supergirl too. It’s quite clear you only tolerate Kara because of 20 years of fan backlash. It’s also clear that you detest Linda Danvers. Now, I personally am not a fan of Linda. Kara is the true Supergirl as far as I am concerned, however Linda has fans and she is a part of Supergirl history and deserves to be respected as such. You were asked about her status once and not only did you laugh at the person that asked the question, but you glossed over the question. The question was asked as “I’m just going to keep asking until you answer, where is Linda Danvers?” Your reply was “We appreciate your persistence and you just keep asking that question.”

So were you trying to be funny? Because you weren’t. It was a legitimate question and deserved an answer…but of course you can’t be bothered to address the whereabouts of a former heroine…not even one that once held the mantle of SUPERGIRL!

Your reaction to this question was completely uncalled for disrespectful, not only to Linda Danvers and her fans, but to female heroines and fans in general. This is par for the course for you though.

And it’s not just our heroines. You were also once asked about Lian Harper (Roy Harper’s daughter) and you replied with ‘who?’. You obviously know who Lian is…her death was a major deal in Arsenal’s storyline. There is no way you didn’t know. But again, you brushed off a question about a female character. I’m seeing a pattern here.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I could go on for pages about how you have disrespected female characters. Yes, it is noted by the fans of these characters and specifically the female fans.

I know I speak for the fans of Stephanie Brown when I say we’re sick of it. When Stephanie was made Batgirl we felt she was finally getting the respect she deserved. Unfortunately this was clearly not the case. I’m sure the fans of other female characters (Linda, Lian, Barbara, etc) would agree they are sick of the disrespect.

I don’t expect you to suddenly change your ways, just know we do notice and it does impact DC as a whole. I, for one, will be dropping my subscription of Batgirl once Stephanie is yanked out of the role. I know many others that will be as well. If you continue to alienate the fans of your female characters and females in general DC comics will eventually pay the price. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Priscilla Hagle

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Video Blog: What Stephanie Brown Means to me

For days I've been on about the non-reboot of the DCU and my SOS campaign. I've explained my reasons and emotions in details in written word...but I felt the need to compile it all and express myself in a video. This is a very special video blog that I hope explains my views, thoughts, and reasons for the SOS. I also hope this will explain why I am taking this 'reboot' so hard.

Visit: http://www.unchartedwind.com/SOS



Monday, June 6, 2011

Some Things Never Change...Even With a Non-Reboot

Ok, at the moment I'm infuriated and I needed a place to get it out. What better place than the forum in which I met all the wonderful fans of the DC Fandom.

First of all I want to explain that I put up with the constant frustration to canon because I truly love these characters. It's not their fault that Dan Didio (or Dan Dildo as I like to refer to him), Grant Morrison, and all the other pretentious idiots at DC Comics can't be bothered to respect them as they deserve to be. I love the 'next gen' heroes and heroines so much. Dick Grayson and Kara Zor-El will forever and always be my favorite hero and heroine. I have loved both since I was a little girl and I can't imagine not loving them. Perhaps this is why I'm such a Dick/Kara shipper. I digress. Since the return of Kara to the DCU Post-Crisis (which only took 20 years thank you very much) I have become a part of this fandom. I wouldn't touch it as long as there was a Supergirl that wasn't Kara. Once I started to learn about the fandom I fell in love with so many other characters. I came to adore the cool headed logic that Tim provided to his family (although I also say he's one of the most sensitive), I started to love the spunky kick ass bring it on attitude of Mia, I found the complexity of Jason to be other fascinating and endearing, and most of all I came to idolize and admire the plucky, never give up, take me as I am spirit of Stephanie Brown. I have always loved Batgirl in concept, but I never connected with Cass Cain and so the character of Batgirl became and after thought to me. Then Stephanie Brown took on the role and...I'm not ashamed to say I actually wavered on my loyalty to Kara. Truly. There were days I would pick up my books and read Batgirl BEFORE I ever touched Supergirl. I could relate to Steph...I could connect to her...she was who I would be if I had the resources to be a crimefighter. I could live vicariously through Stephanie.

But I digress, the point is that because of my love for these characters I put up with the frustration of Grant Morrison's Jason Todd, the 'death' and subsequent return of Bruce Wayne, the travesty that was New Krypton, and...well you get the idea.

That being said, when I heard about the 'reboot' (which DC is now saying is NOT a reboot) I went into panic mode. Does the DCU need work? Without question. But a 'non-reboot'? Really? I've invested a lot of time, money, frustration, and love into the DCU as is. Why not just, oh, you know, write better stories? Maybe a recon here and there...but a whole non-reboot? Really? It's rather extreme.

My first fear was "OMG STEPH!" and so far DC has done NOTHING to calm that fear. Today brought the announcement of a lot of Bat Family titles. Bruce is staying Batman and taking on Damian as his Robin. I like this. Assuming I don't boycott DC (more on that in a minute) I will actually pick up 'Batman and Robin'. Dick is reclaiming Nightwing. Love this because I love Dick best as Nightwing...although the red costume is very un-Dick IMO. Jason is FINALLY getting his own book. It's about time. They fixed his Red Hood costume so it's not the retarded looking Grant Morrison one and he's leading a team that has Roy as Arsenal. Long way from the Robin that died in a rigged phone poll. This book holds cautious promise. Then there are the others.

Batgirl will no longer be my dear Stephanie. It will be Barbara. Now, I know the men at DC have hard-ons for Babs in Kevlar, but Babs should never be Batgirl again. She is Oracle to this generation...she serves a greater purpose as Oracle....she is more inspirational as Oracle. Batgirl is honestly a backwards move for her at this point. It would be like getting a job promotion, doing that job well for years, and suddenly you're demoted to a previous position and you have to prove yourself all over. I know several hardcore Babs fans that are insulted and I don't blame them. I know of one that was saying that this is disrespectful to the character and they are mistreating her. Welcome to the club. Steph Brown fans know this feeling well.

As of the writing of this we have yet to hear about anything regarding the futures of Stephanie or Tim. Today was seemingly 'Bat Day' and two of the most important members of the Bat Family have yet to be mentioned. Business hours are drawing to a close and it seems Steph and Tim have been all but forgotten. And yes, I realize Cass hasn't been mentioned either but in all honesty I suspect she'll remain as Black Bat and she really hasn't been involved in anything except Batman Inc as of late. Steph and Tim have their own titles and nothing. Now, as far as Tim goes I could be swayed to believe that he is staying Red Robin so this isn't news as DC is focusing on announcing changes. But Steph? We know she isn't still going to be Batgirl. I'd say this is a pretty major change in the character! Will she be Spoiler again? Will she be part of Jason's outlaws? Will she become a supporting character in one of Bruce's books or maybe Dick's or Tim's (if he has one)? I wish I could tell you. (Update 6/8/11: Tim will continue to be Red Robin and lead the Teen Titans. This is confirmed.)

What I can tell you is that Batwing is getting his own book.

Who?

EXACTLY!

In Batman Inc we met 'Africa's Batman' that goes by Batwing. He's black. I don't say this to be racist, at all. I say this to make a point. That is the only reason Batwing is getting a book. DC wants to diversify comics. I'm ok with this. I get it. I relate to Steph because she's a white chick with blonde hair and blue eyes and has a sarcastic sense of humor....she's me. I totally get everyone wants a hero they see themselves in. I don't like diversification for diversification sake. That is what I feel is happening here. But even putting my feelings on that particular issue aside, because it's really not the point anyway, the fact remains that they announced that frickin Batwing is getting his own book...and Steph and Tim? Status unknown.

As I write this I keep refreshing Google news, hoping for a late announcement to void out my rant. So far nothing.

COME ON DC!!! Steph losing the Batgirl mantle is pretty fucking big news! How about you tell us what is happening to her? OHHHHH RIGHT....I forgot, Steph losing the mantle isn't the news. Babs getting the mantle back is.

There are admittedly some things in the DCU I'm potentially excited about...intrigued if nothing else. Namely Bruce and Damian working together, Dick as Nightwing, and Jason having a book. These are three books (along with the previously mentioned Batwoman, which is on track as always planned, so four books) that I would love to have on my pull list. I also found out there is going to be a Batarang controller available when Arkham City comes out and I'd love to have that. HOWEVER I WILL boycott all things DC if Steph isn't confirmed in some sort of role in the Bat Family soon. I'll stop all my current books except the remainder of Steph's Batgirl and Supergirl. And I spend a lot of money every month with DC. My monthly comic bill is anywhere from $40-80 if not more. I'm not going to spend that kind of money to see one of my favorite heroines mistreated AGAIN.

I could write a whole article on the ways DC has mistreated Stephanie and why that pisses me off. A month ago I didn't think that mattered anymore because Steph was FINALLY getting the respect she deserved. She was in the role she always should have had. She was Batgirl. Now? Well maybe DC hasn't learned anything at all.

I have never wanted to be wrong so badly. I want desperately to hear from DC that I'm wrong, that Steph is going to be Spoiler and have huge role in one of the Bat Family books. PROVE ME WRONG DC, PLEASE! Until then, the fact we know Batwing has a book and know nothing about Stephanie is enough to make me scream...and scream I did.

What it comes down to is this, the idiots at DC, especially Dan Dildo, seem to hate any heroine that isn't Babs or Diana. They put up with Kara because the backlash of her wipe was 20 years long and so they really don't have a choice. Stephanie has always been an after thought to them and this is proving to be the case again and I'm sick of it. I love this fandom, I love these characters, but I have never been more infuriated with DC than I am right now.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Save Stephanie Brown!

Sign the petition to let DC know how much you love Stephanie Brown!



Visit the SOS homepage

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Crisis On New Earth????

I’m still trying to process the news of the reboot. We don’t know much at this point, but it is looking like perhaps the reboot really is of the whole DCU. I’ve heard some theories that this will just be a new Earth-1, similar to pre-crisis comics where you had different versions of the same heroes every month or the Marvel “Ultimate” line. It appears though that that is not the case and we are actually losing the current ‘New Earth’.

I’m trying to figure out what this all means. Are we losing Stephanie? Tim? Jason? Cassie? Will Dick be Robin again? Barbara as Batgirl? Donna as Wonder Girl? So many questions and fears. I doubt we’ll lose Kara again because I just don’t think DC would be stupid enough to erase Kara from the DCU twice. Then again this is DC we’re talking about.

The current ‘teen’ line up (Steph, Cassie, Tim, etc) are all among my favorite heroes. I never thought I could love a Batgirl more than Babs…but Steph did it. Stephanie is *my* Batgirl. As much as the old school fans will never see anyone else as Batgirl but Babs, that’s how I feel about Steph now. Stephanie IS Batgirl in my mind. As for Jason? He’s Jason…he’s awesome. The idea of Steph and Jason no longer existing or ever having new canon makes me wanna cry.

A good friend of mine reminded me we can keep these heroes alive through the fandom. DC can change canon but they have no control over fanfiction and RPs. I have met so many wonderful people that share a love of my favorite heroes and that can’t and won’t change.

I wanna go on record to everyone from my RP that is reading this and say, this reboot WILL NOT in any way affect the RP. We have our own canon now that we will continue with in our own way for as long as everyone is willing.

In a similar note to those who read my fanfics, I will still write fanfics with Steph, Jason, etc. regardless of what happens. I hope everyone else will do the same.

The most annoying and painful part of this for me is that Steph gets screwed over again. She got screwed as Robin, she got screwed when they killed her, she finally fought her way back to earn the mantle of Batgirl and the respect that goes with it and now this shit. It’s crap and I hope DC knows what crap it is. Stephanie Brown is the best heroine ever, aside from Kara, and to constantly screw her like this is ridiculous. Just because someone at DC has this idea of Babs as Batgirl they won’t let go of doesn’t mean Steph should get screwed over. It pisses me off beyond belief.

As for Kara, I can’t help but remember the pre-crisis Kara and that it took 15 years to get Kara back. I do not want to lose her again. I hope DC has learned from Matrix and Linda Danvers that Kara is as much Supergirl and Clark is Superman.

What is comes down to is this, I love the characters of DC…namely Steph, Jay, Kara, and Dick. Now we all know Dick isn’t getting rebooted out. It just won’t happen. Steph probably will. Jay is up in the air. The only way I will continue to read ANY DC title is if they keep Kara. If I lose Kara AND Steph then you can be damn sure I will never purchase another comic book again.

This reboot has me nervous, but I think if we keep the fandom alive then I’ll be ok. So to all my friends: Amber, KingNorth, Gloria, Nat, Bek…and every other amazing person I’ve met through this fandom that I didn’t name, thanks for being my friend and here’s to keeping OUR fandom alive.

~ Cilla
6/1/11

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Video Blog: My Teenage Dream Come True

Yes, it's true. I met Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Need proof? Fine. Here is the proof.

Wanna know the scoop...well check it out:



Monday, April 25, 2011

Video Blog: Is Gotham in Kentucky?

Something a little different. This is where the video blog and the podcast meet. Today's video blog is a set of comic reviews. Watch as I review Batgirl, Power Girl, Red Robin, and more.




Friday, April 15, 2011

Stronger...

I love the Sara Evans song "A Little Bit Stronger". It's true. I am getting a little bit stronger everyday. I will be ok and that's what this video is about. Being stronger and moving on. I discuss the reasons for the break up and why it's for the best. Most importantly I talk about how I'm ok. After the last video I felt that was important to express. Well, watch for yourself...



Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Broken...

"Nothing is more painful, then realizing he meant everything to you, and you meant nothing to him."

"I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was."

These two quotes kinda sum in all up. I got my heart broken. I needed a forum to express it. I wrote a song. That wasn't enough. So I vlogged. Maybe someone out there can relate.



Monday, April 11, 2011

Age, Respect, and Games...

I am not a happy little jackalope today.

Now, normally I'd do a video blog but, quite frankly I'm afraid my tone would be far too harsh if I were speaking. I'm so unhappy at the moment that free writing is probably the better outlet right now. Why am I so unhappy you ask?

All in all, it probably seems petty. Hell, who am I kidding? It IS petty. That doesn't make it any less annoying. If you've known me for any length of time you know that I'm creative. I am constantly expressing that creativity in different forms. Sometimes it's through this blog, sometimes it's a song I've written, or I'll hop into the Uncharted Wind universe and be Michelle for awhile, or I'll jump into the DCU and borrow their characters. Sometimes even playing WoW is a form of creative expression or singing. I have all kinds of ways to get the creative out, which has to be done because when it builds up I go crazy. And typically at any given moment I have my favorite outlet. It used to be Uncharted Wind. Before that it was singing. At the moment my chosen outlet is RPing. If you follow my tweets you have noticed I've been RPing a lot.

For those of you that aren't geeky enough to know what RPing is, it means Role Playing and it can be done in a number of different ways. This RP that I speak of is done via LiveJournal. Basically it's like...an on going story you write with different people. You have your set characters and you interact with theirs via posting on the journal. I can't really simplify it any more than that.

Anyway, the point is this, RPing takes a special kind of skill, patience, and the ability to go with the flow. Unlike writing your own fan fiction, you don't have complete control. That's the point. Are there things in the RP that haven't gone my way? Hell yes. The one thing I wanted to happen hasn't. And I will say, I was a bit more irked about it at first than I would like to admit. There is a certain emotional investment in your characters. That being said, I quickly came to accept it's just a game and I re-evaluated what direction to take my character. That would be the whole going with the flow thing.

The hitch is this...not everyone in the game is going with the flow. Not everyone in the game can write dynamic, likeable characters. Hell, not everyone can write in more than one writing style. When you play multiple characters they should be identifiably different. For example, I play three characters in the RP. Kara Kent, Stephanie Brown, and Bruce Wayne. No one can accuse me of playing them all the same. I'll focus in on Kara and Steph here since they were my first two characters and because they would be really easy to play the same. They are both young, blonde, heroines around the same age. It would be so very easy to throw in a default persona for them and be done with it. But I haven't. I play Kara as very much a heart on her sleeve girl that is much stronger in body than mind, but she is developing and finding herself, becoming stronger all the time. I play Stephanie as a tough girl who has had to fight for everything her whole life and is just now getting to a point where she realizes life doesn't have to be a constant fight. Of course I'm over simplifying it, but you get the idea. Two characters that are very similar on the surface, but are identifiably different in practice.

Now, gaming with people that don't get this concept is a struggle in and of itself, but what comes as a bigger struggle is when the said player isn't willing to listen to criticism and/or doesn't want to play nice.

And this, dear reader, is the point my long winded blog is getting to. I'm 27. I plan to be a teacher someday. I will hopefully be teaching 2nd graders and at that age sometimes you still have to work on the basics like learning to play nice with others, sharing your toys, and working together for a common goal. And if I was playing with a bunch of 9 year olds I would understand the importance of these lessons and being patient while teaching them. However, I am not playing with a bunch of 9 year olds. I'm playing with a bunch of grown ass women and men. I should not be having to try to teach an adult to play nice with others. It's frustrating to no end! Am I pissed? Yes. Is it directly about the game? Not really. It's about the fact that I am having to treat adults like I would my future 2nd graders. And worst of all, one of these said adults is someone I deeply care about and would like to have in my life in the future...I should not be having to make this person act like an adult! We're 27 for fucks sake!

And you're probably sitting there laughing saying 'but Cilla, time out. You're playing a game...isn't that childish in and of itself?'. Perhaps. But just because you're playing a game with, yes, comic characters doesn't mean you can't be mature, reasonable, and adult. Act your age when it comes to how you react and treat others. That's all I'm saying. I don't think it's too much to ask really.

Anyway, I have made my point the best I can and I've vented to my little heart's desire. I'm still pissy, but at least I've organized my reasons into concise points, and that is enough to help me feel a little bit better.

Until next time my dear readers, take care...and please, act your age.

Keep the Faith,
Cilla

Friday, April 8, 2011

Video Blog: Shifty Eyes...

Yesterday's Blog was more of a PSA. This one, more about what is going on with me. Also a big thank you to the viewers. I know y'all are out there. Why didn't y'all tell me about the 'shifty eyes'? LOL!!! Oh, I also rant a little about Charlie Sheen. Chuck was right, he's not tragic at all. Anyway, on to the video!




Thursday, April 7, 2011

Video Blog: If Tomorrow Never Comes...

Remember that old Garth Brooks song, 'If Tomorrow Never Comes'? Well this video is along those lines. I've had a lot on my mind about mortality lately and I wanted to share. I also came across the blog of this wonderful young woman named Kayla Taylor. I talk about her message of not texting while driving. To read her story in her words check out her blog: http://kaylataylorofficial.wordpress.com/

And while you're thinking about safety in driving remember, don't drink and drive. Please. Please. Please.

Now on to the video:



Sunday, March 20, 2011

Long Distance Love...

So it's been awhile since I posted a written blog. I've been really fond of videos lately...and still am, but my ear is hurting quite a bit today and I am trying to get a flow of thought going so I can finish my English paper...yeah, it's due in less than six hours and I'm exactly one paragraph in.

Anyway, I have decided that long distance relationships suck. I love my boyfriend very much but we can't do things a 'normal' couple can do. We can't talk on the phone for hours or catch a movie on Friday nights or meet up after work for dinner or spend a quiet Saturday cuddled on the couch watching Netflix...you get the idea. These are all things I want.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have waited for 27 years to find a guy as wonderful as Jan and I wouldn't give him up for everything in the world. If I have to deal with the distance to have him I will, it just is incredibly sucky.

It is really hard to know there is this wonderful guy out there and to want to hold him and be held by him and not be able to.

I'm determined to get him here for a visit in November. I think he shares this determination. I keep looking toward November for solace but it seems like a lifetime away. Especially when I'm sick and the days tick by slowly as it is.

I know it seems like I'm complaining. I'm not...not really. I feel blessed to have Jan in my life. I know the kinds of guys that are out there all too well and to have found someone like him that wants me in return is more than I could have hoped for. It is hard, but worth it. I guess I'm just really venting right now. I'm not so much complaining as I am frustrated at the situation.

I really hope things with Jan last. I feel like we could be happy. I hope someday we are able to bridge this distance with more than a visit and do 'normal' couple things. It's this hope that I hang on to when I'm still alone at night thinking of him.

On that note I'm off to find other ways to put off my English paper. Thanks for reading and take care y'all.

~Cilla

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Video Blog: The Future Has Been Foretold

I have identified a new issue I'm working through and I also found additional confirmation about my so-called destiny. I discuss both of these topics in the video below:



Friday, March 18, 2011

Video Blog: What if I Poison Him?

Ever hear the song "Don't Let Me Down" by Nina Gordon? There a line in it that goes "Someone new is coming in/Oh God it's so sweet when it begins/But I'm so bitter/What if I poison him?" This line is what sparked a train of thought that lead to 1/2 this Vlog. The rest is about my 'religion' which I don't typically talk about. This was an exception.



Thursday, March 17, 2011

Video Blog: 3 vlogs for the price of 1...

I was feeling chatty today, inspite of feeling like crap, so I did two vlogs (to keep them at a reasonable length. The third one is a blast from the past. This videos do go in order, watch the 1st one 1st, etc.

Video 1 is where I talk about why I am so opposed to drinking and driving. With SXSW this weekend in Downtown Austin it's a great time to remember safety.





Video 2 is much more personal. Here I discuss why you should never give up on love.





Video 3 is a vlog I did 2 years ago. Watch video 2 and it will make sense why this is here.



Monday, March 14, 2011

Video Blog: Monday Ranty Monday

It's Monday...and I'm in pain...and I wanted to rant. So I did.



Sunday, March 13, 2011

Video Blog: Yes, I have issues...

Like any normal person, I have issues, haha...seriously though, I do and so how do I sort out my thoughts? Yes, I ramble on camera and share the outcome with the masses! Blunt honesty is what I do.




Thursday, March 10, 2011

Video Blog: Sickbed Ramblings

I'm sick and on pain meds so doing a video blog seemed like the thing to do...



Monday, March 7, 2011

Video Blog: Clarification

This is a little clarification on last night's vlog.



Sunday, March 6, 2011

Video Blog: Where I'm At

It's been awhile since I've done a video blog. This seemed like as good a time as any.



Friday, March 4, 2011

About Me...again...

I posted a version of this a while back. This is updated and longer. This is me in a nutshell...

I’m probably the most boring 20-something ever. The thing is I’m ok with that.
I love music…a lot…music of all kinds.
I don't consider rap 'music'.
I love to sing. I used to perform a lot when I was a teenager. I miss it.
I love writing songs. If you make an impression on me I'll probably end up writing a song about you.
I’m a completely hopeless romantic…but I’m also jaded by the past. I’m not 100% convinced that hopeless romance exists outside a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Have you ever noticed that all Nicholas Sparks romance novels end in tragedy?
I’m very creative. I love to write, podcast, work on my site.
I am a total geek girl. I love comics, video games, all that stuff.
The answer is ALWAYS 42.
Supergirl is my favorite heroine. Ever.
I don’t care what anyone says, Stephanie Brown is my favorite Batgirl.
I want to be Stephanie Brown. Seriously.
Yes, I play World of Warcraft…I’m a human mage.
Because of my interest guys tend to see me as 'one of the boys'. I HATE that.
Nothing gets under my skin quite like disrespect.
I recently started taking karate. It is the most rewarding thing I've ever done and I LOVE it.
My favorite color is purple. Like obsessively so.
I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. Some people take it as an insult…it’s not meant as such.
I sometimes cry when I’m happy…even over silly little things. I can’t help it.
I love strip clubs…and no I don’t think they’re degrading to women.
That being said I am not much into clubbing. I drink MAYBE once a year if that.
I'm much more at ease in a small group sitting at Starbucks than I am in a crowded room.
I have 3 kitties and I love them so, so much. I do want more someday.
I love to sit in the pitch dark either just talking about nothing or in silence.
I prefer Aussie Football to American Football…then again I prefer most Australian things. I love Australia.
I really, really dislike shallow people. A lot.
I have issues. I don't deny this, but I am working on it.
I’ve reached a point in my life I like who I’ve become. It’s a wonderful thing.
I love kids…SO much. I want to be a mom someday. I just need to get my life together first.
I’m not looking for an instant romance because that just doesn’t happen. I am looking for friends and hoping perhaps something more will come from one of them.
I love to laugh.
I’m very trusting…sometimes too much. I just assume people don’t lie…of course, sadly, they sometimes do.
I want someone that will dance in the rain.
Someone who will take my hand...in public.
Someone that is worth being fearless for.
A person that cares about me and what I want.
I want a first date like Taylor Swift sings about in “Fearless”.
I can't tell you what my perfect person would be like so please stop asking me.
I can tell you that not only will I know when I find it...
It really will be fearless.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

This is Who I Am…

Ok, let me preface this…this is going to probably be long. It is also going to be personal. Most of all it is going to be honest. 'Why write it?' you ask? Because, I answer, 'I need to organize my thoughts and maybe someone else out there can relate…most of all there are certain people I want to know this.'

I know what people think of me on the surface. It's typically one of a few things. I'm the good girl, I'm the 'cheerleader', I'm the sunny peppy chick, I'm the quiet one, I'm the comic geek, I'm the sweet girl. The truth is I'm a little bit of all of those things but they are also just a cover. In truth, I am damaged. I try to hide it like practically every other damaged person in the world, but just when you want to hide it most you can't. The sunny peppy sweetness? Yeah, that's a cover I use for work so the masses don't know how much I hate 99% of them. And I do. I truly dislike 99% of people. Of course I am human so I do need some people in my life. Lucky for me I do like about 1% of people (rough figures obviously). Why do I dislike people? People have expectations. People always want something. And worst of all, people lie.

OK, whoa, I got WAY off my point here. Let me divert myself back to my original point here. I'm damaged. Part of being damaged means I have issues. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or am worthy of love. I guess it helps to clarify if I go into WHY I'm damaged.

It all starts with my biological father. Growing up he was very controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive. Like most abusers he blames his victims and doesn't feel he is in the wrong. Like most victims I believed that for a long time. Everything changed one night. It's what I refer to as the 'worst night of my life'. I was 16, almost 17. It was in January of 2001. I had been a cutter for some time at this point (more on that later) and I had finally been busted by my stepmonster…I mean stepmother. She threatened to tell my father if I did not tell him I needed help. Well at that point what was I supposed to do? I went to him and told him I thought I was depressed and needed help. He in turn yelled at me, telling me that I did not know what it was to be depressed and that I was acting like I spoiled child so he would treat me like one. He then sent me to the corner for a 'time out'. Once I was finally sent to my room I grabbed a knife I kept under my mattress and seriously considered just killing myself. To this day I can't tell you why I didn't go through with killing myself. I had every intent, but something inside me just wouldn't let me do that. I ended up finally crying myself to sleep. It's worth noting that my father claims that night never happened. I know it did. We'll never agree on that. I know that night screwed me up royally.

Let me take a pause here to talk about cutting. We'll call this a PSA moment. I started cutting when I was about 15. I had moved in with my father and between the unrest there and the misery of being a high school student, mixed with my chemical imbalance (AKA depression) cutting seemed like a good idea at the time. Why? It was a way to take control of the pain. I couldn't control what my father did to me, but I could control what I did to me. It's warped but it's true. When I was 17 I stopped cutting and was 'clean' for 6 years. When I was 23 I 'fell off the wagon' so to speak. Luckily that time my brother helped me get help quickly and I've been 'clean' since (almost 4 years now). Like any vice I know I will never be cured so I refer to myself as a recovering cutter. I will always be a recovering cutter because I know I could slip up at anytime. I still get urges in high stress situations. I just know how to control those urges now. Cutting isn't something to hide or be ashamed of. It is an unhealthy coping mechanism. If you know someone that is cutting don't be angry with them, get them help. They aren't crazy, they are just in pain and don't know how else to deal.

Back to my damage. My father wasn't the only man in my life that caused me damage…in fact I would venture to say he didn't even cause me the most damage. The person that damaged me most is my ex. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him J. (Not that everyone won't know exactly who J is). I met J when I was 14 and a freshman in high school. It was love at first sight…not really, but practically. Unfortunately J did not love me. Through freshman and sophomore year I watched as he dated my friends. Then that fateful day in 1999 I found out that J had gotten his girlfriend pregnant…except not really. You see, she faked being pregnant. He didn't know that at the time and his parents sent him away to make a living and raise the baby. Turns out there was no baby, but J was still gone. We kept in contact via internet and when I was 20 I made the trek to Houston to go see him. By this point I had come to accept he and I would only be friends. I still loved him, but I had reached acceptance. Until that visit.

I stayed at J's apartment that night. He said I could have the bed and he would take the couch. We ended up staying in his room chatting until really, really late. As it got later he asked if I would mind if he just slept in the room with me. I said that was fine. I figured we were friends and it would be innocent enough. Yeah, I was naïve. So anyway, that night I'm almost asleep when J reaches around and starts touching me. I'll spare you too many details but let's just say this is how I came to give my first blow job BEFORE I'd ever had my first kiss. (The first kiss happened that night too, just later).

That night changed everything. I fell head over heels again. For the next 6 years he and I had this whole 'are we or aren't we' thing happening. He never seemed to know what he wanted from me so he kept me at arm's length. One week we'd be talking everyday about anything and everything and the next week he'd tell me that what we were doing was sinful and wrong. One week we'd talk about kids. The next week he was saying we'd never be together. It was a constant rollercoaster of emotions. At 22 I lost my virginity to him. The next day he promptly freaked out and stood me up and I didn't hear a single word from him for two weeks. I could write pages and pages about my non-relationship with J, but I won't. I think you get the idea. It comes down to this: he used me for his own gratification. I was little more than a sex toy to him and he said what he had to say to keep me hooked because he knew he could. He knew I loved him so much that as long as he baited the hook I'd be back. It was sick and twisted and I'm not sure I'll ever fully forgive him for what he did to me all those years. I'm also not sure I will ever completely stop loving him. It's taken me two years to even begin to move on from that 12 year ordeal.

In the midst of the J stuff I did try to break away. In breaking away I met someone else. We'll call him S. S and I had something good. It was a very long distance relationship, but it was good…for awhile. Unlike with J I do take some of the responsibility for what happened with S and I. The problem with us was that it was in the midst of the J ordeal and I wasn't ready to move on. I treated S horribly and things ended. S and I remained friends. It wasn't until later I realized that I wasn't the only damaged one in that relationship. S was using me too, again for his own sexual gratification. Our whole relationship really had become about phone sex before it ended. Eventually that's what our friendship became too. When I told him I wanted to try to have a relationship again he basically told me he didn't want to be with me, but he wanted me to keep the cyber/phone sex going. Um…hello? No. This just reinforced the idea in my head that I serve little purpose to a guy other than being a sex toy.

There is of course the string of guys I liked that didn't feel the same. They don't warrant being named as I don't blame them for anything. Not everyone reciprocates feelings. It's life.

The last of that string does deserve a mention though as he damaged me more than anyone since J and we really only were friends for a short time. We'll call him A. So A and I work together. We met when he started on my account and became fast friends. I developed feelings for A and told him, as I always do. He said he liked me as a friend, like guys always do. I swear I have little sister syndrome. I digress. Anyway, I eventually moved on and even got another crush. I asked A for advice. He told me, and I quote, 'You need to lose weight. A lot. Any guy that would even consider being with you would be like, 'ew'.' Um…ok.

Now, I am not a super model and yes I need to get in shape. And yes I'm working on it. But seriously? Good Goddess! So this damn near started me on the path to an eating disorder (again. I was bulimic in my teenage years…loooong time ago). Thankfully I have some good friends that helped me through that and enough guys have told me how pretty I am that I finally realized that just because I'm not a stick doesn't mean I'm not sexy and pretty. A never apologized for what he said. He never will. That's ok. I finally accepted that and moved on.

What I'm getting at with all this history is that now, at 27, I have realized I have an inferiority complex. I consider myself to be lesser and unworthy of affection. I have this idea of 'who could want me for me?'. I feel like I can't let myself be happy because it won't last. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm afraid to love and to let myself be loved.

This wasn't much of an issue in my mind, until recently. I've finally met a wonderful guy. Don't ask me how it all happened. I certainly wasn't looking to meet anyone. When we did start talking I really didn't expect to feel the way I now do for him. Hell, I had decided I didn't want to feel that way again. But it happened. I started falling. The shocker is this time he reciprocated. I know! It's crazy! He actually likes me?! OMFGWTFBBQ!!!

Of course there is the whole idea of me caring about someone again. I'm terrified to care about someone again. When I care, I get hurt. I'm scared to death about the possibility of falling in love again, which I can so see happening here. It doesn't help that it's a long distance relationship and those are hard enough. I adore him, I want to be with him…but…it's scary.

And so now we have the evil demons lurking and whispering 'this isn't real, he can't actually like you, you can't be loved,' and 'this won't last, he'll realized how damaged you are and run,' and all those other little insecurities I have. So now I find myself constantly looking for reassurance from him that it's real. And come on, what guy in his right mind wants a girl that needs reassurance every 5 seconds?! So I'm sure by now I've annoyed the crap out of him. It's like I'm trying to scare him off because sooner or later I just know he'll realize what a mistake I am.

If he is reading this, and I hope he is, I want him to know that I want this to work. I really, really deeply care about him and I know I'm a work in progress. I'm as far from perfect as it gets, but I am trying. I want to be worthy of him…I want to believe I'm worthy. It will take time. I might need some reassurance more than I should. I might seem doubtful that he cares. But above it all I want it to be known that I care. I want this to work. I'm willing to try my best if he is. I might need him to say 'Baby, stop. You know I care and you're doing it again.' Eventually I will believe it. It takes time to cut through the pain of the past, but I'm getting there. I really am. If he is willing to stick it out with me I'm willing to give every bit of myself in return. I'm hoping I haven't already caused him doubt in being with me. I'm hoping we can move on and he can understand that I am who I am.

Yes, I'm a good girl, I'm twisted, I am a comic geek, I am sweet, I am sexual, I am a little unconventional, I am damaged…but at the end of the day I am me. I like who that is…I hope he does too.