A Tale of Three Familes...

I've never made a secret about the fact my dad isn't my dad through biology. If you listen to Jackalopes of Fire you've heard Chuck and I joke that I adopted him. In many ways this is quite true. It doesn't matter though, in the end I have an amazing mom and dad that I love very much and that love me. That is not what this is about.

What this is about is the other side of that. I know there were other people in another camp when I chose to accept my dad as my dad and ultimately change my last name. That is my biological father and his family.

I don't speak much of them, but I do think of them, contrary to popular belief. In an ideal world that family would be able to separate my relationship with my biological father and my relationship with them. This is not an ideal world. I have had a couple of people that have been amazing and respected my decision and continued to have relationships with me anyway. These are the people I know truly love me for me and they mean the world to me.

The vast majority now treat me like a virus, as if by cutting out my bio father I was betraying them. This was never intended.

The reasons I made my decision aren't important for the purpose of this blog. They aren't secret so I'm happy to discuss it with anyone that asks me personal, but they don't need to be aired publicly either. What is important is that it is not a decision I made lightly. It took many years to finally reach the point where I knew with absolute certainty I was doing the right thing. It was never meant to intentionally sever my relationship with the entire family. It was only intended to sever my relationship with him. The rest of the family made their choice to take it personally.

Now, this doesn't mean I don't love them. And that is the true point of this entry. Even if I'm not there I still love many members of my family very much. Sure, some have really come down hard on me and it has made me feel fine that ties were severed because who needs that kind of criticism and drama in their life? Still, many of them I think of often. I have uncles, aunts, and cousins I have amazing memories with and simply adore to this day. If one called me up and wanted to grab dinner I'd be there in a second. I miss them. My sister and my niece love so much and I while I might have to watch my niece grow up via facebook, I think of her often and love seeing what a beautiful little girl she has become. I have another sister that I hope someday to find some common ground with and stop the hatred she has for me.

I say all this because it needs to be said and I hope someone out there can relate and know I relate to them. It's nice to know you're not alone, especially in an unusual situation like adoption (or in my case 'adoption'). It's a difficult and unusual place to be, but in the end you have to know you have parents and family that do love you and know that anyone that truly loves you, family, friends, or otherwise, will be able to separate you from the relationship you hold with other and judge you based on who you are. If they can't then you're better off without them. Know who you are be the best person you can be. Put out good and give love. Above all, remain dignified. If someone tries to bait you into an argument just walk away. It's not worth it and you won't change anything, you'll just feed it.

With any hard decision in life you will have naysayers and people that criticize. Be sure of who you are and what you do and know in your heart that you've done what is best for you. If you can do that, it may hurt some, but you'll get through it. This goes for anything...my situation, failed friendships, bullying, etc...

Listen to Jackalopes of Fire

If you haven't yet, do yourself a favor and go listen to my podcast at www.jackalopesoffire.com! You won't be sorry!

Matt Bomer for Dick Grayson

If you know anything about me you know I'm a massive Matt Bomer fan and I've been campaigning for years to see Matt Bomer play Dick Grayson/Nightwing in some capacity. That all said you might think the news that Bomer is voicing Clark/Superman would be thrilling to me.

You're be wrong.

But Cilla, you're a Bomer fan, you should be thrilled that he's doing a comic movie.

No, I shouldn't be. I specifically want to see him as Dick and this marks the third time he's been tied to Clark. He was originally considered for "Superman Returns" prior to Brandon Routh. He did play Clark in a Japanese car commercial that has since gone viral on YouTube. Now this. He is going to get so tied to Clark that all the idiot fan boys won't be able to see him as Dick thus he'd never be considered for the role.

Will I watch this new movie? Yes, I'm a Bomer fan and I'll support whatever he does. Hell, I even sat through a whole episode of Glee because he was in it...fucking Glee people! So yes, I'll watch it. Will I complain at every chance and probably campaign harder for him to play Dick? You betcha. I blame Andrea Romano for this. She does all the voice casting. Dear Andrea Romano, next time you need a voice for Dick use Bomer. Just saying.

That said, next time you are bored and feel like tweeting something for the greater good simply tweet #MattBomerforDickGrayson. Together we can make it trending and get through to DC. Matt Bomer was born to play Grayson and this needs to happen.

Why I Don't Need a Man...

Why is it that people think a woman needs a man in order to be happy? I can't count the number of times I've said I was single and got sympathy in response. Why? Personally I feel sympathy when someone is in a relationship, but that's me.

Personally I truly enjoy being single. I don't have any relationship drama, I have no one to answer to, I have no one to bitch at me about not spending enough time with him, my time outside work is my own. I love that.

I mention all this because it happened again yesterday. A co-worker asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said no she asked if I was talking to anyone. When I said no again she was sympathetic. When I explained it was by choice and I didn't want a relationship she acted as if I was full of it and was trying to convince myself of this because I was alone.

Why is it so damn hard to believe a woman can have a fulfilling and satisfying life without a man? Honestly, why do I need a man? Sex? Warmth on cold nights? A dildo and an electric blanket do the same with less hassle.

Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying I would never be in a relationship if one happened to happen. I'm just saying I'm happy without a guy and I don't need one. It doesn't matter if a relationship comes along or not. I'm happy with my life either way. I don't feel I'm lacking something by not having another person by my side. I find it offensive people act like I'm an incomplete person because I don't have a mate.

Newsflash, I am a complete person and if I find another complete person to share my life with then that is fine. If not I will be complete regardless. Why is this such a fucking hard concept to grasp?

You women out there that think you need a man and aren't happy if you're single are weak, pathetic, and frankly an embarrassment to the female gender as a whole. You are the reason men think they can treat us like shit and we'll come back for more...because you do! You women are the ones with the problem. Not me. Find out who you are, be single, be happy with your life, then find a mate if you want. Otherwise you're just a shell of a person without your own identity and you're a pathetic excuse for a woman.

2013 Resolutions!

New Years is on the way! You know what that means...a new set of resolutions!

First let's recount last years!

~ Year 5, get in shape….specifically get to the size I was when I came to Austin.
Ok, this didn't happen but that is ok. I have a doctor now willing to help me and I have no doubt I will achieve this yet. I won't call this a fail because I learned to accept me for me and that is more valuable. I think I needed to come to terms with myself before I focused on the shallow.

~ Get my own place (with a roommate).
This didn't happen but mostly because I decided I didn't want it to. I'm happy here. I don't know anyone I wanna room with anyway. This isn't a fail, just a goal that changed.

~ Continue to live life my way, on my terms.
I'd call this a mostly success. This year I really feel like I settled into my own skin and realized what matters.

~ Do my very best at work and remain grateful every day for my awesome job.
My job changed twice this year but I still did my best no matter what job and I am blessed to still be in childcare. Massive success.

~ Max out my character’s levels on WoW and DCUO
Nope. I don't think I went up even one level this year. MMOs just didn't rank in importance.

~ Pay off most of my credit card debt (first and foremost all of the money I borrowed from Mom’s CC)
Yeah, mom got paid off...sorta. I don't owe her money anymore. I have my own debt now, which is an improvement.

Now, for the 2013 resolutions:

~Get in shape before 2013 Comic Con. I dunno what I wanna cosplay yet, but I know I don't want my weight to dictate it again.

~Chip into my own debt

~Focus on my health, mental and physical, and better myself

~Do all I can to continue to make JoF the bigger and bigger

That's it...that's really all I got for this year! Not a lot I feel a need to resolute to do.

If the world ends...

I mentioned on the podcast I don't actually logically believe in the end of the world happening tomorrow...but if I'm wrong there's some things I wanna say.

First I want to thank you. Yes you reading this. You that listens to my podcast, read my blogs, and watch my vidcasts and vlogs. You guys give me joys, laughter, and allow me to share my thoughts and give me a reason to do what I love. So to you and everyone you shared any of my media with, thank you.

Next, I want to say how very much I love my family. I have the best mother in the world. No mother has ever possibly loved so strongly and sacrificed so selflessly as mine. My mother is my real life heroine and has given me everything a girl could ever want...not just money wise, but with love and lessons about what truly matters. My dad is a truly amazing man. I'm in no way his blood but no less his daughter. He cared for me and loved me as his own. He is truly amazing. I also have a great brother that I am lucky enough to call my friend. He is one of my closest friends and I'm so blessed. Finally, my amazing grandmother that has got to be the coolest grandmother in the entire world. She's so much more than just a grandma, she's my friend.

Then, my friends...Nicole, Jill, Shannon, Amber, Nika, and anyone else I forgot to name. I have great friends who have enriched my life in different ways. I really don't know what else to say...my friends are as important to me as my family. I love you guys.

Finally, if the world does end know that I will be spending my last day doing what I love...caring for my babies at work. They are the joy of my life. I love my kids.Whenever the world does end I'll go knowing I spent my life doing everything possible to better the lives of as many kids as possible and that's all that truly matters.

PS: Stephanie Brown is Batgirl...must be said at least once more.

"Batman & Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Night" Review

This book was brought to my attention earlier this year at comic con. I went to a panel for Dean Cain (of Superman fame) and it was moderated by Dr. Travis Langley. As we waited for Dean to arrive he discussed a little about the psychology of Batman as well as Superman (as this was a Dean Cain panel after all). He also mentioned he was hosting a panel on the topic of Batman and psychology later that day.

As a writer and role player I'm always trying to get inside a character's head. Hell, I have written Kara Kent and Stephanie Brown so much sometimes I don't know where they end and I begin. But Bruce...he is one of my character I really have to think to play properly. What better way than to listen to a real expert decode him for me?

So I went to said panel and was impressed with Dr. Langlet for a myriad of reasons. 1) He was legit...as a doctor but more importantly as a comic fan. 2) He accepts Stephanie as a Robin and doesn't discount her importance as a member of the Bat Family. 3) There was little mention of Barbara. It was nice to see Steph and Dick discussed in relation to Bruce without having Barbara crammed down my throat in the process!

The panel was very informative and interesting, but left me wanting more, which I guess is the idea when trying to sell a book.

I wavered about buying Dr. Langley's book for a couple of weeks. Mostly because, as I've said many times before, I'm a writer, not a reader. Although, that said, I do try to read at least one book per year and to my recollection I haven't met that goal this year. I finally got on Amazon and read the free sample. I couldn't put it down! I bought the Kindle version straight away and when I realized I didn't like reading that way I shelled out more money for a second copy in paper back (which is so getting autographed someday). I'm glad I did. It was well worth the read (and this coming from me!)

Beyond this point I will be discussing the book so if you don't want "spoilers" then read no further (although I'm sure sure spoilers exist in this type of book).

There is an introduction by comic writer Dennis O' Neil. Remind me not to ever read a book by him. His constant reminding that Batman isn't real felt as if he was talking down to the reader. I believe if you have picked up a book on the psychology of Batman and are intelligent enough to understand it then you're well aware that the Dark Knight is a work of fiction. I didn't pick up this book for a constant reminder. I picked it up to get lost in the mind of the Bat. To PRETEND he exists and explore his psyche. Had the whole book been written this way I never would have made it more than 50 pages. Thankfully Dr. Langley treats his readers much more intelligently than Mr. O' Neil.

From here Dr. Langley asks a question we spend the rest of the book analyzing: "Is Batman sane? Is Bruce Wayne crazy?" It's not a new question. It's been addressed in the comics, movies, animated series, and any other media Bruce is seen in. It's never been analyzed so thoughtfully and medically. Dr. Langley uses Batman's rogue gallery, family, and associates to get to the deepest part of who Bruce is...who Batman is The analytical way he does this, explaining his thought process along the way, makes it easy to follow even if you've never taken a psych class (although for the record I've taken 3). It feels like Dr. Langley is taking you on a journey with him. My only complaint is that the explanations of the mental illnesses discussed seemed long winded and text bookish at times, but because I've studied mental illness on my own for so long that could simply me me. Perhaps a reader with no knowledge would benefit from these explanations.

The book discusses all aspects of Bruce's life: his parents' murder, his father/son relationship with Alfred, becoming a father to his own sons, and even his romantic attachments. Bruce gives up so many aspects of a "normal" life in order to be productive as Batman. He uses "Bruce Wayne" as a cover and doesn't allow the outside world to ever see his true self. He fights a colorful array of foes that each have their own defects.

The the real world it would be next to impossible for a rich heir to have a duel identity (can you imagine Paris Hilton as Batgirl?). But it would also be impossible for Joker to be unknown in his true identity (a lesson James Holmes taught us). In the DCU almost everyone is two people. The question is why. Why didn't Bruce become a cop? Why work outside the law to uphold the law? Why the Bat? Why allow kids to risk their lives as sidekicks? All of these questions are answered by Dr. Langley. I never have read anything so well thought out in regards to a superhero.

I highly recommend this book to any fan looking to explore Bruce on a deeper level.

The only thing in this book I found myself disagreeing with was the idea that Bruce can't be married and be Batman. While I agree he couldn't marry a human, pre-New 52 DC showed some attraction between Karen Starr and Bruce. Karen, being Kryptonian, would have little to fear from Batman's foes and she, unlike, Clark and Kara, is very imperfect and is "broken" in her own right (I don't think either Bruce or Karen are truly broken but it isn't hard to see where they could be). Had it been explored further I truly feel Bruce and Karen could have had a very fulfilling marriage while continuing as Batman and Power Girl, but that's just me.

By the end of the book I felt much more comfortably RPing as Bruce. I feel I understand Bruce more as a hero, a father, a husband, and as a person. I'll never get inside Bruce's head the way I can with Steph and Kara because I simply don't relate to him on that level. I do feel I can understand him now and write him in a way that does him justice.

For his next book I'd like to see the psychology of Jason Todd. He was addressed in this book but he is so complex that I was simply left wanting more. Or maybe the psychology of Hal Jordan...that would be fun. And if that next book every comes count me as the first in line. Even if I've already read my book for the year.