2012 Resolutions

The time has again come! Time to recount last year’s resolutions and make some for next year. Let us begin.

First, let’s recount the resolutions for 2011

~Get in shape. Year 4, I know. This time I have a better plan. I want to be in shape my October 31st because of my next resolution… (I normally call this an epic fail…this year it’s only a minor one. I did lose enough weight to get back to my average size and maintain it. I also worked out more this year than in years past and I spent more of the year eating healthy. It’s a good start anyway.)

~Dress like Stephanie Brown for Halloween (Batgirl or Robin, I’m not sure yet) (Success! I dressed as Robin for Halloween! There’s pictures to prove it. Little did I realize when I made this resolution that DC would lampoon Steph again and this would be so meaningful.)

~Find an artist for the podcast art and ramp up traffic (Minor success/minor fail. I did ramp up traffic when we actually did podcasts…but not as much as I wanted. And I did kinda find n artist…I’m just still waiting for the finished product.)

~Do well in school (Neither success, nor fail. I had to drop classes due to medical issues. It happens.)

~Find a balance in my life and find a way to be at peace (MAJOR success. The first half of the year sucked, but the second I got a job I love and I’m happier and more at peace than I’ve ever been.}

~Learn to play my guitar (Didn’t happen, but oh well…someday.)

Now for 2012’s resolutions:

~ Year 5, get in shape….specifically get to the size I was when I came to Austin.

~ Get my own place (with a roommate).

~ Continue to live life my way, on my terms.

~ Do my very best at work and remain grateful every day for my awesome job.

~ Max out my character’s levels on WoW and DCUO

~ Pay off most of my credit card debt (first and foremost all of the money I borrowed from Mom’s CC)

So that’s it! Wish me luck! Happy 2012!

Insight into Depression

First of all I think it’s important to understand why I’m writing this. I know everyone’s experiences are unique and different. I am hoping, however, that my experience is relatable and can perhaps help someone else or offer them insight into themselves.

My story starts when I was 15. This was the first time I realized something was off with me. I was never happy, even when I knew I should be. I had a lot of pain bottled up inside and I didn’t know how to verbalize it. This is when I turned to cutting. It started with smashed tin cans with jagged edges. I couldn’t stomach cutting myself with a knife at first. I found that the cutting ‘released’ the pain. It gave me a sense of control I otherwise didn’t have. It also allowed my internal pain to be visible externally. I’ve often been asked if it hurt when I cut. At the time I was doing it, no. It felt good. It would hurt in the days after at times, but during the act it was almost a relief…so much so that the tin cans did eventually turn to knives. At one point I had a knife hidden under my mattress for easy access.

I hid my cuts under long sleeves, no matter how hot it was outside. No one questioned me…until they did. A friend of mine eventually put 2 and 2 together and later my stepmother did. It was then I was forced to ask for help. I lived with my father at the time and I went and told him I thought I was depressed.

Before I continue there are two very important things to note here. 1) I never told him about the cutting specifically. It’s only been in recent months I’ve told him that part. 2) To this very day he denies the following ever happened. I know for a fact it did. It was in January of 2000. I have the event written in a diary I kept at that time. I’m not sure if he truly believes this didn’t happen or if he’s trying to convince me it didn’t, regardless, this is my account of how *I* KNOW it happened.

I went into my father’s room and explained how I’d been feeling and that I was depressed. I told him I needed help. He responded by telling me I was too young to know was depression was and that this was a sick cry for attention. I started to cry and plea for him to listen. In retrospect I’m not sure how clearly I was even speaking at this point. His response was to tell me if I was going to act like a child he would treat me like one. I was sent to the corner to face the wall for a ‘time out’. I sat there and cried until I was sent to my room. Once I made it to my room I cried and cried. I wanted to die then and there. I remembered the knife stashed under my mattress. I knew if I grabbed it at that point I would go too far. I knew I would kill myself. To this day I’m not entirely sure why, but something in me fought against picking up the knife that night. I literally clung to the corners of my mattress as I battled myself against digging out that knife. I cried and clung to my mattress until I finally crashed from exhaustion.

In the months that followed I continued to cut but I took even more care to conceal it. I suffered through the depression alone. At some point I actually managed to convince myself I was fine. I convinced myself I wasn’t depressed.

In my senior year of high school I moved back in with my mom. She saw clearly I needed help and she tried to get me help. But I was convinced I was fine. I did not want to be on medication for the rest of my life. It took months or arguments and battles but I finally did go to the doctor. I was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. For a couple of years I was fine.

At some point I got it in my crazy head I was cured and that I didn’t need medication anymore. I took myself off of it. Let me say that again. I took MYSELF off it. Anyone that knows anything about medication knows you should never take yourself off any med. If you are going to go off any medication you should always consult a doctor.

Fortunately I was fine, for awhile. For quite awhile. Until I wasn’t.

I was 23 and it had been six years since the last time I cut. Something in me snapped I sunk to a level of depression I had never before seen. Quite simply, I was out of control. I started having horrible anxiety attacks to the point I couldn’t even deal with going to work. I started cutting again. I got to the point that I would flip out and go hysterical for almost nothing at all.

One night I got so bad that I grabbed an almost full box of sleep aid. I was going to down them all. My life was a mess. I had pushed away everyone that mattered to me. I had single handedly trashed my life to a point I felt was beyond repair. I saw no silver lining anywhere and I was convinced it would never get better. I wanted out. I was done. I would have taken those sleep aids if my older brother hadn’t walked in. He literally had to tackle me to get them out of my hand. He took them and disposed of them then he talked me down.

At this point I realized I needed help in the most severe way. I went to the doctor the next day. I didn’t have a regular doctor. I just took the first one that would see me. I went in and explained my situation to her. She was worried I was a danger to myself and she sent me to a mental hospital for evaluation. As I was sitting in the waiting room filled with other psych patients it was then I realized how far out of control I’d actually spun out. I made a conscious decision at that point to get better…to get my life back.

It was that decision that kept me from being committed that day. By the time the doctors saw me I had made up my mind that I didn’t want to die. After evaluations from three doctors they decided I wasn’t a danger to myself or others and they released me on the condition I go back for outpatient treatment. And I did. I saw a psychiatrist on a regular basis and we went through different medications until we found one that worked. I also started therapy.

I want to pause and make a very important point here…we had to try different medications until we found one that worked. Too many times people try one and give up when it doesn’t work. I’ve been on Celexa, Zoloft, and Paxil CR in various doses. None of those worked for me. Do they work for some? Absolutely. I know someone that is doing very well on Zoloft. It didn’t work for me. If you are having issues with depression stay in contact with your doctor and adjust your medication until it works. This is a very personal process and one you should be very active in.

I finally settled on Paxil. Just normal Paxil. It took a little dosing adjustment but eventually, after months of trial and error, we got it right and life was good again. I moved back in with my mom (I’d been living on my own after college) and started to get my life back on track.

A couple years later I noticed some of my symptoms coming back. I went back to the doctor and my medication got adjusted and I got a higher dose. This worked, but not for long. The next step was to change meds again. This time I got switched to Efexor. Like with Paxil it took some dose adjustment to get it right, but we did. This is the medication I remain on today.

Throughout this process I learned I will never be cured. I will likely be on some sort of medication for the rest of my life, and that’s ok. Depression is an illness, just like diabetes or any other life long condition. Some people take insulin everyday to maintain a normal life. I have to take pills. It’s just the cards I was dealt. I also learned I am not a “former” cutter. I am a recovering cutter and I will be forever. Cutting is a vice like drinking or drugs. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism. There are times I still do get the urge to cut and I fight it. I am always at risk of “falling off the wagon”. All I can do is maintain awareness of this fact and take it one day at a time.

I’ve also learned what to look for in myself. If my symptoms start to creep back up I go to my doctor right away and get my medication adjusted. Whether it’s a different dose or a different medication altogether there is a way to balance it out. It’s a constant work in progress. I have to stay very aware of my moods and determine if what I’m feeling is normal depression for a reason or irrational depression that is part of my illness. The longer I deal with this illness the more self aware I become. I also rely on those around me to tell me if I’m acting abnormal. I’ve learned to trust their comments. I may not see what they do. If I have those closest to me tell me I’m not myself then I go to my doctor for evaluation.

Again, everyone is different. This is my story. This is what I went through and how I came through it. I don’t proclaim to know your story or what will work for you. I can only offer up my experience and hope it helps in some way. The most important thing to know is that you are not alone. Millions of people suffer from depression. Some are on medication for a short time, others are lifers like me. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It is an illness, but a treatable one. You can over come it. Look within yourself and fight it.

Review: "Green Lantern"

- FX were not as bad as I thought. They were really good actually with the exception of the Lantern costume which was awful.

- Blake Lively was really good as Carol Farris. I expected her to suck but she rocked it. I hope we get to see her as a Star Sapphire in the sequel.

- Ryan Reynolds was a poor choice for Hal Jordan. I like Ryan just not as Hal.

- I totally get why Kara has a crush on Hal in the comics.

- It was obvious the writers were trying to find middle ground between apeasing hard core fans and the general public. They never found that middle ground and it hurt the pace of the movie.

- The writing wasn't bad...just could have been better.

- Mark Strong rocked it as Sinestro.

- Overall pretty good first installment. Set up potential for a GREAT second movie.

- If you go see it STAY into the credits. It is beyond worth it.

- Next point is the only spoiler, you were warned






SPOILER BELOW!!!!!!





- After the end credits start Sinestro puts on the yellow ring and the Sinestro Corps suit appeared on him which was really cool and set up the sequel.

My Dream Job!

So if you have been reading my blog, LiveJournal, Facebook, Twitter...or really talked to me in any way, shape, or form then you know I've been out of work for the last 4 months because I've been suffering from TMJ.

Slowly but surely it's getting better. I will ultimately still need surgery, but I'm functional again.

That being said I had to go back to work at some point. My FMLA was up and so it was time. Now, my job is 1/3 of the reason I was having TMJ issues. The stress and constant talking of my job was just not really good for my jaw issues.

The again there is also the fact that my job was abnormally stressful. If you happen to have worked with me there you know what I'm talking about. I knew going back would be a bad thing for my stress level, thus my jaw. The mere thought of going back was giving me panic attacks.

Then, a few days ago I had a brilliant idea. The company I work for has on site child care. I'm a major in early childhood development. If the on site daycare had a job opening well...

So come to find out they did have two job openings. I went and interviewed, impressed the daycare director, and got the job! My dream job!

So today was my first day. It was amazing. I got to work with the 18-24 month olds and the 3-5 year olds. It was exhausting, but amazing. I'm sore from head to toe and I care barely keep my eyes open I'm so tired. I thank the goddess for naptime. It was 2 hours of recoup. I don't think any daycare teacher could handle the job without naptime. My only complaint about the job is outside time and that is only because it's too damn hot to be outside right now. This is a really hot, dry summer and it is too hot for man or beast out there.

I loved working with the kids. This one little girl in the 18-24 month class just stole my heart. I adore her so much. The was the little 3 yr old that was being disagreeable with everyone. By the end of the day he didn't wanna play with any of the teachers but me. I managed to win the little guy over. There was this other little 5 yr old that tricked me into letting her take food out to the playground, which is a no-no I found out. After that I had my eye on her. She's a little con-artist in the making. I saw two little girls team up against one little girl. It was like Mean Girls Jr. I realized how evil little girls can be to each other. It starts young. If I ever see Savannah (my future daughter) treat someone that way she is gonna get her little bottom smacked...oh wait....can't do that anymore in Texas...explains so much.

I digress. The point is I had an amazing day at work and I LOVE my new job. If I never sit in a cubicle with a headset again it'll be too soon. I have my dream job! Thank you Goddess. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

So that's my happy ending to this FMLA tale. Unfortunately the TMJ story is just beginning.

But for now I'm going to enjoy getting my life back and working my amazing new job.

~Cilla

Allow me to fangurl out for a moment...

We interupt your regularly scheduled non-reboot ranting for a little bit of fangurl dorkiness:

So it has long been my dream to have a movie in which Stephanie Gatschet plays Kara and Amy Gumenick plays Steph (I recently made a mock movie poster for my own amusement) as well I'd love Matt Bomer to be Dick...being the Dick/Kara shipper I am you know I had to have a Nightwing for my Supergirl. I digress.

Anyway, I've tweeted said desires recently and to my absolute amazement both Steph and Amy retweeted them...not just retweeted, but retweeted with comments! Amy said that playing Steph sounded like fun and Steph said she LOVED the idea of playing Kara with Matt as Dick. And, who knows, maybe she'll tell Matt about it. She used to be on Guiding Light with him and one of her friends has been on White Collar recently, so maybe they talk still. That would kinda be cool.

Yes yes, I know this really amounts to nothing. At all. It's not like they have power at DC to make this happen, but it's still really awesome to me that they liked the idea enough to retweet and comment. I <3 them so much right now.

So yes, I'm reserving the right to be a total fan gurl geek. Go ahead and laugh. I'm gonna sit her and smile.

That is all...

Open Letter to Dan Didio

Dear Mr. Didio,

I write this as an open letter posted online in hopes that somehow it might actually make it to your eyes. The internet is great that way.

It is clear to me that you strongly dislike heroines. Is it strong women you detest? Women that are realistic yet heroic? Maybe just females in general? I make no assumptions as to why this is, but it clearly is. With the exception of Diana Prince and Barbara Gordon you seem to really hate your own female characters.

In 2007 when asked about why Stephanie Brown did not have a memorial in the Batcave you replied it was because she was never really a Robin. Not only is this contradictory to what Bruce said on panel, but it is extremely disrespectful to Stephanie as a character. Stephanie most certainly was a Robin. She trained with Bruce, she patrolled and fought by his side, and in the end she was fearless enough to risk her life to prove her worth to him. Of course, your comment shouldn’t surprise me considering that she was killed off as a plot device in a very gruesome and sexualized manner.

It was only when Stephanie fans revolted that you were forced to bring back Stephanie. Because, guess what? Stephanie is a great character that is loved by many. She is real, relatable, and fun. Yeah, she’s not a computer genius or an Amazon princess…that’s why we love her!

Most recently you commented about all the past Robins getting their own book, this was referencing Dick, Tim, and Jason. Once again Steph was overlooked as having been a Robin…right, you don’t consider her one.

While I do not know for sure you are the one behind Stephanie losing her Batgirl mantle, it is known the reboot was your brain child and that you’ve wanted Barbara back as Batgirl for quite some time. I think it is a safe conclusion that you’re the reason for Steph being disrespected…again.

Stephanie was becoming a popular Batgirl with a great creative team. They had a consistently solid and successful book. Why break up a winning combo? Oh, right…Barbara.

Barbara fans don’t want her back as Batgirl. She has transcended that role. She was important as Oracle. She was an inspiration to many. Most importantly she grew. Whereas Batgirl was a character growth for Stephanie. It’s the role she deserved to be in and it worked. You’ve managed to upset both Barbara and Steph fans. Great job.

But it’s not just the Batgirls you disrespect. Oh no, it’s Supergirl too. It’s quite clear you only tolerate Kara because of 20 years of fan backlash. It’s also clear that you detest Linda Danvers. Now, I personally am not a fan of Linda. Kara is the true Supergirl as far as I am concerned, however Linda has fans and she is a part of Supergirl history and deserves to be respected as such. You were asked about her status once and not only did you laugh at the person that asked the question, but you glossed over the question. The question was asked as “I’m just going to keep asking until you answer, where is Linda Danvers?” Your reply was “We appreciate your persistence and you just keep asking that question.”

So were you trying to be funny? Because you weren’t. It was a legitimate question and deserved an answer…but of course you can’t be bothered to address the whereabouts of a former heroine…not even one that once held the mantle of SUPERGIRL!

Your reaction to this question was completely uncalled for disrespectful, not only to Linda Danvers and her fans, but to female heroines and fans in general. This is par for the course for you though.

And it’s not just our heroines. You were also once asked about Lian Harper (Roy Harper’s daughter) and you replied with ‘who?’. You obviously know who Lian is…her death was a major deal in Arsenal’s storyline. There is no way you didn’t know. But again, you brushed off a question about a female character. I’m seeing a pattern here.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I could go on for pages about how you have disrespected female characters. Yes, it is noted by the fans of these characters and specifically the female fans.

I know I speak for the fans of Stephanie Brown when I say we’re sick of it. When Stephanie was made Batgirl we felt she was finally getting the respect she deserved. Unfortunately this was clearly not the case. I’m sure the fans of other female characters (Linda, Lian, Barbara, etc) would agree they are sick of the disrespect.

I don’t expect you to suddenly change your ways, just know we do notice and it does impact DC as a whole. I, for one, will be dropping my subscription of Batgirl once Stephanie is yanked out of the role. I know many others that will be as well. If you continue to alienate the fans of your female characters and females in general DC comics will eventually pay the price. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Priscilla Hagle

Video Blog: What Stephanie Brown Means to me

For days I've been on about the non-reboot of the DCU and my SOS campaign. I've explained my reasons and emotions in details in written word...but I felt the need to compile it all and express myself in a video. This is a very special video blog that I hope explains my views, thoughts, and reasons for the SOS. I also hope this will explain why I am taking this 'reboot' so hard.

Visit: http://www.unchartedwind.com/SOS