Fearless…

I've mentioned before that I love the Taylor Swift song 'Fearless'. The song is just beautiful and awesome and if you haven't heard it run to YouTube right now and do so. I also like 'fearless' as a concept. In the liner notes to the album "Fearless" Taylor writes:

"To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts- lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. It's fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then moving on and being alright... that's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless."

Love is fearless…or it should be. I have had my heart broken…many times by the same man. I loved him fearlessly. I really did. I fought so hard for what I thought would be a fairytale romance. Sadly, it was not. Not even close. I did finally reach a point where when he sent me an email with the subject 'I'm sorry' I replied, changing the subject to 'You're not sorry'. That was fearless too…it hurt like hell but I did it. It was scary to admit to myself it was time to move on…but I did. It was even more terrifying to later acknowledge the fact I wasn't in love with him anymore. For year I feared falling out of love with him…not for the reasons you may think though. I loved this man with my whole heart but even after I flat out told him this he seemingly refused to acknowledge this. I'm not sure if it was because he was scared to face it or if he just didn't believe me…whatever the case I never felt my feelings were validated. Most people I knew saw my feelings for him as a school girl crush, which this clearly was not. I felt like I was the only one that validated my feelings for him and if I lost those feelings then it somehow voided them and meant they didn't matter. I know, when I word it, it sounds ridiculous. It made sense in my head. I finally came to terms with the fact that my love for him was real but that things change and people grow. He will forever be my first love and hold a special place in my heart, but he is not the same boy I fell in love with 12 years ago. I can hold on to the love that was and remember it and still move on.

Which I'm in the process of doing now. To be honest I haven't figured out what 'moving on' means for me yet. It may not be falling in love again. I know what I want for my life. I guess it would be nice to have a special person in my life, but truth be told I think moving on right now means finding happiness in myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm a generally happy person. I'm just not as happy with myself as I think I could be. Someone once told me that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I think that's kinda where I'm at right now. I like the idea of being independent and self sufficient. I spent so many years of my life trying to make myself the perfect girl for someone else that I think I kinda lost myself somewhere along the way. I desperately wanted to be what I thought he wanted so he'd be with me. That is NOT fearless. That is just stupid.

Stepping up and saying 'I'm done, I am moving on and I don't love you anymore!'…that's fearless. Taking charge and being independent and starting a life that doesn't revolve around a man (or woman), that is fucking fearless. I guess what I'm getting at is that we should all take note of Taylor's proclamation of 'Fearless'. Find out what makes you fearless and do it! Life is too short to worry about fear.

KTF,
Cilla