Self Image…

I've been I love exactly 2 times in my life, I've 'crushed' on a total of six people (not including the two I loved), and I've had numerous guys show attraction towards me over the years. I start off with this to put inter perspective the fact that, although my love life may not be 'active' to the level of some, it does exist to an extent. This will be important to understand later for a number of reasons.

Something else you need to understand is a little bit about my self image. I've never claimed to be the most confident girl in the world. Not even close. I fake it sometimes, but it's all an act. I have a lot of self doubts and sometimes I even self loathe. The self imagine I have developed is fragile at best and is easily shattered.

That being said, I do have, what I feel to be, a realistic self image. I am aware I am not skinny…I never will be…not without an eating disorder. It's not the way my body is meant to be. Am I overweight? Sure. I'm not blind. I can see that. I'm about 2 sizes away from a healthy weight…and when I say 'healthy' I don't mean thin…I literally mean healthy…average perhaps, but healthy…not what society would consider healthy or even old school doctors, but the size my body is meant to be. Admittedly 2 sizes is a lot…even still, I have never considered myself to be 'grossly overweight'. Fuck, I've never considered myself to be gross period. A bit 'fluffy' at times, but still relatively cute compared to the everyday population.

That is why when someone I loved (one of the two aforementioned) told me I needed to lose a lot of weight because I was 'ew' to guys I felt like I'd been beat to a bloody pulp. In truth, I was figuratively speaking. The last couple of days I have done A LOT of soul searching. I still feel internally beaten down but I think it may have been a good thing in the long run because it helped me realize what I'm made of.

At first I was just devastated. I learned how quickly being in love with someone can change…in all fairness it was a new love and it was one sided love, as both my loves have been. I had accepted he and I would be just friends and because of my first love I came to terms with that fact much easier than I did the first time I was in love. Truthfully, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from my first love and I'm not sure I ever will considering it's been 12 years. I've made a lot of progress, don't get me wrong, but I'll always love him and a part of me will always wonder what could have been…but I digress.

I knew I needed to find a logical way to get myself past this because I have a history of being self destructive when I fell insecure about weight. At one point I refused to eat for three days and then once I did start eating I purged everything I did eat. I was a teenager at the time but I know all too well how easy it is to fall into old familiar patterns. In an effort I realized I needed to soul search, but I'm starting to digress again…

The point I'm trying to get to is that during my soul search I realized several things…the first being is that there are guys that find me attractive…hell, even my first love did. Attraction was NOT one of the problems we had…hell, it's probably the only area we didn't have a problem. Beyond that there have been a lot of other guys that have commented on my looks, regardless of what size I've been…and admittedly my weight has yo-yo-ed over the years and perhaps always will. This was the first way I figured out the 'ew' comment was bullshit.

The second way I figured it out was polling other guys…guys that had no real connection to me and had no reason to lie. They mostly agreed that only a shallow, immature boy would say something like that…and that is among the kinder comments. Some of the guys were pretty brutal when I told them about what was said to me.

The third thing I did was people observing. Typically I observe parents with their small children. This is because I have such a strong maternal desire that I like to live vicariously through new parents. Anyway, I changed what I was looking for, instead of moms and kids I was looking for couples and the more I observed the more I realized that there are a lot of couples out there where one partner is larger than the other…and it's not just larger guys with smaller girls or vice versa…it's a mix of both. This proves to me not all people are superficial.

The most resent thing I did was take a really long look in the mirror. This was hard considering my self image is shot to bits. I forced myself to try to look objectively and I came to the conclusion that my original self image was right. I do certainly need to lose weight (which is something I am actively working on) but I'm not 'ew'. I just have to stay clear of shallow, superficial people.

My point in telling you all this is that I know there are a lot of women out there (maybe some men too) with image issues. You think you're too fat or too thin or too something. At the end of the day you have to come to terms with who you are because the outer shell is just the outer shell. Am I saying I'm completely over what he said to me? No way. I'm still coming to terms with it and I'm nowhere near over it. I am starting to get some of my fragile confidence back though. I have managed to avoid any of the self destructive behavior of my past and I feel I am taking steps to lose weight, but not because society says I should…because it's what I want…and it's a byproduct of karate…which is a sport I love.

I've recently started taking a karate class at the local college and I love everything about it. I think that's important too. Find an exercise that isn't just good for you but that's fun and rewarding. I found that in karate, I know others who have found that in dance. Regardless of your interest there is something out there that you can do. The most important thing is to be who you are and be comfortable with that. Never change for anyone else…especially not because you feel you need to be some sort of society norm (which usually isn't all that normal to start with). If you change something about yourself do it for you.

I really just wanted to take the time to share this story with everyone. I know a lot of people out there are going through what I'm going through and I wanted to let you all know you're not alone. If you have a story to share with me I would love to hear it. You can email me at Priscilla@jackalopesoffire.com.

KTF,
Cilla