I learned something today...

Ok, this isn't going to be a South Park style blog, but I seriously did learn something today, even if it had no real impact on anyone but me.

So I was in the car with my parents on the way to dinner tonight and "More than a Feeling" by Boston came on. It's one of a handful of song that remind of...my former love. You know him, I've written about him before. I wrote about how I'm over him and I don't love him anymore. You remember? Yeah, that guy. Anyway, I have been actually thinking about him a lot this past week and I think that's because it's a three day weekend. There was a time that I would have been going to spend my holiday with him. So yeah, he's been on my mind. I have a lot of memories with him and they've all kinda been circulating in my head on repeat. I was starting to worry maybe I wasn't as over him as I thought.

Anyway, back to tonight...the song. I was listening to that song thinking about the first time I saw him play it on Guitar Hero. It was when I went to see him for comfort after a falling out I had with a couple of my friends. I was upset and in a bad place so I went to him, as I was prone to do at that time in my life. It was actually just over three years ago that that weekend happened. Yeah, it's sad I know that. Not the point. We can address how pathetic I am later. Anyway, it was a great weekend. He really did make everything all better. At least for the weekend. He had this way of holding me or touching me and just instantly making my problems go away. I miss that. But you see, that's what I learned today...all week I've kinda been concerned I wasn't realy over him because I've been thinking about all this stuff. The truth is, that's all it is, memories. I don't miss HIM as much as I miss the feelings...I miss what was...I miss being in love...I miss having someone that I could run to and could fix everything with a touch. It's not him, it's what his memory represents to me.

Which gets back to what I learned today...it is possible to think about the past and long for what was while being over someone. Which I also realized I am because the thought of going back to that now kinda makes me queasy. It's not where I want to be now. It was what I needed at the time and I will always be in love with those memories...but that's all they are...memories.

You know, I think I'm growing as a person. I've notice lately I have a confidence I never had before. If you listen to the Podcast I think you can hear it. I know I do. I have more of a presence now, and not just on the Cast but in my day to day life. I'm more self assured and I love it. I think it comes from being my own person and not constantly trying to change myself to become what I think someone else wants me to be. And girls, let me tell ya, that is not the way to get a guy. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but it will end horribly. Trust me, I know. You have to be who you are...and honestly, life is much more fun that way anyway!

And if any of that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry. I may not be completely cohearant right now.I'm exhausted. It is not good for Cilla to take on too many projects at once. Contrary to my best wishes I'm not Supergirl. I've completely overloaded myself at work but also in my creative work. I have the podcast, two website, one of which has two completely different sections. I have like 5 story projects I'm working on, and I'm trying to drum up viewership to my LiveJournal (twistedangl11.livejournal.com). So mny projects so little time. I'm a very sleepy Cilla right now, which is my some of my post may not make 100% sense.

Anyway, that's it for now. I do want to remind everyone to tune in tomorrow to www.jackalopesoffire.com as there will in fact be an all new episode of the podcast. You won't want to miss it. We lay out the offical cancellations of 2010. Was your favorite show cancelled? Tune in and find out!

Finally, RIP Gary Coleman. So sad when one is taken before their time. He will forever live through Avenue Q.

KTF,
Cilla