Thursday, June 20, 2013

What Women Want (And Don't Want)

Unless you've been living under a rock (or are from my father's generation) you know what Kickstarter is. If you've been following the news you may have even heard the name Ken Hoinsky in relation to it. If not, quick recap...

Mr. Hoinsky put up a Kickstarter to fund a book titled "Above the Game: A Guide to Getting Awesome with Women". As a woman I have issues with that title in and of itself, but it pales in comparison to the controversy that followed.

This book is said to ultimately be a collection of material Mr. Hoinsky had posted on Reddit along with some new material. The scary part about this is the material that was taken off Reddit (Mr. Hoinsky has since deleted the questionable material but it has been archived by several sources).

Read this except and tell me it doesn't give you chills:

5) Get CLOSE to her, damn it!
To quote Rob Judge, “Personal space is for pussies.” I already told you that the most successful seducers are those who can’t keep their hands off of women. Well you’re not gonna be able to do that if you aren’t in close! ”
All the greatest seducers in history could not keep their hands off of women. They aggressively escalated physically with every woman they were flirting with. They began touching them immediately, kept great body language and eye contact, and were shameless in their physicality. Even when a girl rejects your advances, she KNOWS that you desire her. That’s hot. It arouses her physically and psychologically.”

Decide that you’re going to sit in a position where you can rub her leg and back. Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don’t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances.”
Sex
Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don’t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick.”

(Thanks to Casey Malone for archiving this and getting the discussion started.)

Now, if that didn't give you chills...or at least pause, then it's time for you to sit and reflect in a serious way about your principles.

There are so many things wrong with that except from a female...nay...human perspective I don't even know where to start.

First of all, I am huge on my personal space...especially with someone I'm just getting to know. If we're on a date and you start closing in on my personal space uninvited I can almost assure you there will not be another date. It's enough to make a comment such as "you look nice tonight" or even the bolder "you're looking sexy". That lets her know you're into her and give her a chance to invite your advances. And if a guy I was with ever just pulled out his cock and put my hand on it uninvited I would pull away ask him what the hell he was thinking and that would be the end of the date. I would be calling a cab to get out of there. If he tried to stop me I promise you cops would be involved for sexual assault.

I know from experience I don't like this behavior. A guy I have been with in the past (who will remain nameless) didn't do this exact thing, but it was similar. Along the same lines. Now then, let me be clear, this is a guy I've known for years and even consider myself to love dearly. Even with those two factors in mind I did not like these forced advances and put an end to them quite quickly. Have we had sex in the past? Yes. But never when he tried to advance it in this way.

And now, men, here is the true secret to winning a woman over...

Let her know you want her, yes...make her feel desired. You do this with words. Preferably honest words. Half the time we question ourselves so much that it's nice to be reassured. Humans are insecure creatures and given societal expectations of women we have it worst of all. Tell the woman you're with that she is beautiful and sexy. Be straight forward in telling her what you like about her. Is it her eyes, her legs, her figure, her hair? Be specific. If things are going well it's doesn't hurt to flat out say you want her. Words are a huge turn on. From my experience men seem to be able to hop into enjoyable sex as if there's a switch that is flipped. Women need time to build the desire. Words get her mind in that mindset to proceed. If she is interested at this point she'll make it clear. Then, and only then should you start slow. Kiss her, caress her sides, continue telling her how sexy she is. She'll advance things with you. You don't have to do all the work here. Sex should be a mutual activity and it will be if you ease her into it.

I should take a moment here to also say if you're a guy and you only want sex, don't expect to end up with a long term mate of any value. Anyone that just wants sex and nothing deeper...well if you start to date this girl and she cheats on you for better sex, you have no one to blame but yourself. A relationship built on sex and seduction is doomed to fail (if it doesn't it's because something deeper formed out of it). And I will say, the second I get the feeling a guy just wants sex out of me and nothing more, he gets his walking papers and likely never hears from me again. Because, and here is a biggie, women like to feel like more than sex toys! We're not bed warmers...or cock warmers. We're actually people with feelings, thoughts, and opinions and we want to be your friend. Sure, we want to have sex too...but it's such a turn off to feel like little more than a living cock toy.

Now, Mr. Hoinsky claims to be quite good with the ladies. Does this mean he is in a meaningful, long term relationship? Or just that he gets laid a lot? I realize it's a matter of desire here. Some might just want to be laid. I, for one, am fine with a friends with benefits set up (emphasis on the 'friends' part of that). The problem here is the seduction aspect. Mr. Hoinsky touts being a master seducer. He then turns around and notes "You understand to your core that her heart will be broken if she ever feels manipulated by you". Note how he doesn't say 'Don't manipulate her'. Just that it will hurt her if she ever FEELS manipulated. Perhaps this is bad wording. Perhaps he said exactly what he meant. Either way it's bad advice.

Mr. Hoinsky did issue a lengthy statement to Forbes.com (which can be read here). It's a long statement and I find it to be talking around the main issues and not addressing the primary concerns. Beyond that Mr. Hoinsky is a self proclaimed seducer and appears to be quite good with manipulation too. Given the statement and the way it is presented I find it hard to buy it.

I would like to note I did send Mr. Hoinsky a message requesting an interview for JoF TV to set the record straight and get his side of the story in his words. I was perfectly willing to have this discussion with him and withhold judgment. His reply to my request: "Thank you for your feedback."

If he is reading this the invitation stands and remains so. You know how to reach me. If you change your mind about appearing on JoF TV, please, let me know and we'll set it up for you to tell your story.

Barring that, based on the facts I do have, I have only this left to say...men, regardless of your ultimate mission with women, treat us with respect, kindness, affection, and like humans and you will always get further than by being a forceful, misogynist pig.