Long Distance Love...

So it's been awhile since I posted a written blog. I've been really fond of videos lately...and still am, but my ear is hurting quite a bit today and I am trying to get a flow of thought going so I can finish my English paper...yeah, it's due in less than six hours and I'm exactly one paragraph in.

Anyway, I have decided that long distance relationships suck. I love my boyfriend very much but we can't do things a 'normal' couple can do. We can't talk on the phone for hours or catch a movie on Friday nights or meet up after work for dinner or spend a quiet Saturday cuddled on the couch watching Netflix...you get the idea. These are all things I want.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have waited for 27 years to find a guy as wonderful as Jan and I wouldn't give him up for everything in the world. If I have to deal with the distance to have him I will, it just is incredibly sucky.

It is really hard to know there is this wonderful guy out there and to want to hold him and be held by him and not be able to.

I'm determined to get him here for a visit in November. I think he shares this determination. I keep looking toward November for solace but it seems like a lifetime away. Especially when I'm sick and the days tick by slowly as it is.

I know it seems like I'm complaining. I'm not...not really. I feel blessed to have Jan in my life. I know the kinds of guys that are out there all too well and to have found someone like him that wants me in return is more than I could have hoped for. It is hard, but worth it. I guess I'm just really venting right now. I'm not so much complaining as I am frustrated at the situation.

I really hope things with Jan last. I feel like we could be happy. I hope someday we are able to bridge this distance with more than a visit and do 'normal' couple things. It's this hope that I hang on to when I'm still alone at night thinking of him.

On that note I'm off to find other ways to put off my English paper. Thanks for reading and take care y'all.

~Cilla

Video Blog: The Future Has Been Foretold

I have identified a new issue I'm working through and I also found additional confirmation about my so-called destiny. I discuss both of these topics in the video below:

Video Blog: What if I Poison Him?

Ever hear the song "Don't Let Me Down" by Nina Gordon? There a line in it that goes "Someone new is coming in/Oh God it's so sweet when it begins/But I'm so bitter/What if I poison him?" This line is what sparked a train of thought that lead to 1/2 this Vlog. The rest is about my 'religion' which I don't typically talk about. This was an exception.

Video Blog: 3 vlogs for the price of 1...

I was feeling chatty today, inspite of feeling like crap, so I did two vlogs (to keep them at a reasonable length. The third one is a blast from the past. This videos do go in order, watch the 1st one 1st, etc.

Video 1 is where I talk about why I am so opposed to drinking and driving. With SXSW this weekend in Downtown Austin it's a great time to remember safety.





Video 2 is much more personal. Here I discuss why you should never give up on love.





Video 3 is a vlog I did 2 years ago. Watch video 2 and it will make sense why this is here.

Video Blog: Monday Ranty Monday

It's Monday...and I'm in pain...and I wanted to rant. So I did.

Video Blog: Yes, I have issues...

Like any normal person, I have issues, haha...seriously though, I do and so how do I sort out my thoughts? Yes, I ramble on camera and share the outcome with the masses! Blunt honesty is what I do.

Video Blog: Sickbed Ramblings

I'm sick and on pain meds so doing a video blog seemed like the thing to do...

Video Blog: Clarification

This is a little clarification on last night's vlog.

Video Blog: Where I'm At

It's been awhile since I've done a video blog. This seemed like as good a time as any.

About Me...again...

I posted a version of this a while back. This is updated and longer. This is me in a nutshell...

I’m probably the most boring 20-something ever. The thing is I’m ok with that.
I love music…a lot…music of all kinds.
I don't consider rap 'music'.
I love to sing. I used to perform a lot when I was a teenager. I miss it.
I love writing songs. If you make an impression on me I'll probably end up writing a song about you.
I’m a completely hopeless romantic…but I’m also jaded by the past. I’m not 100% convinced that hopeless romance exists outside a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Have you ever noticed that all Nicholas Sparks romance novels end in tragedy?
I’m very creative. I love to write, podcast, work on my site.
I am a total geek girl. I love comics, video games, all that stuff.
The answer is ALWAYS 42.
Supergirl is my favorite heroine. Ever.
I don’t care what anyone says, Stephanie Brown is my favorite Batgirl.
I want to be Stephanie Brown. Seriously.
Yes, I play World of Warcraft…I’m a human mage.
Because of my interest guys tend to see me as 'one of the boys'. I HATE that.
Nothing gets under my skin quite like disrespect.
I recently started taking karate. It is the most rewarding thing I've ever done and I LOVE it.
My favorite color is purple. Like obsessively so.
I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. Some people take it as an insult…it’s not meant as such.
I sometimes cry when I’m happy…even over silly little things. I can’t help it.
I love strip clubs…and no I don’t think they’re degrading to women.
That being said I am not much into clubbing. I drink MAYBE once a year if that.
I'm much more at ease in a small group sitting at Starbucks than I am in a crowded room.
I have 3 kitties and I love them so, so much. I do want more someday.
I love to sit in the pitch dark either just talking about nothing or in silence.
I prefer Aussie Football to American Football…then again I prefer most Australian things. I love Australia.
I really, really dislike shallow people. A lot.
I have issues. I don't deny this, but I am working on it.
I’ve reached a point in my life I like who I’ve become. It’s a wonderful thing.
I love kids…SO much. I want to be a mom someday. I just need to get my life together first.
I’m not looking for an instant romance because that just doesn’t happen. I am looking for friends and hoping perhaps something more will come from one of them.
I love to laugh.
I’m very trusting…sometimes too much. I just assume people don’t lie…of course, sadly, they sometimes do.
I want someone that will dance in the rain.
Someone who will take my hand...in public.
Someone that is worth being fearless for.
A person that cares about me and what I want.
I want a first date like Taylor Swift sings about in “Fearless”.
I can't tell you what my perfect person would be like so please stop asking me.
I can tell you that not only will I know when I find it...
It really will be fearless.

This is Who I Am…

Ok, let me preface this…this is going to probably be long. It is also going to be personal. Most of all it is going to be honest. 'Why write it?' you ask? Because, I answer, 'I need to organize my thoughts and maybe someone else out there can relate…most of all there are certain people I want to know this.'

I know what people think of me on the surface. It's typically one of a few things. I'm the good girl, I'm the 'cheerleader', I'm the sunny peppy chick, I'm the quiet one, I'm the comic geek, I'm the sweet girl. The truth is I'm a little bit of all of those things but they are also just a cover. In truth, I am damaged. I try to hide it like practically every other damaged person in the world, but just when you want to hide it most you can't. The sunny peppy sweetness? Yeah, that's a cover I use for work so the masses don't know how much I hate 99% of them. And I do. I truly dislike 99% of people. Of course I am human so I do need some people in my life. Lucky for me I do like about 1% of people (rough figures obviously). Why do I dislike people? People have expectations. People always want something. And worst of all, people lie.

OK, whoa, I got WAY off my point here. Let me divert myself back to my original point here. I'm damaged. Part of being damaged means I have issues. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or am worthy of love. I guess it helps to clarify if I go into WHY I'm damaged.

It all starts with my biological father. Growing up he was very controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive. Like most abusers he blames his victims and doesn't feel he is in the wrong. Like most victims I believed that for a long time. Everything changed one night. It's what I refer to as the 'worst night of my life'. I was 16, almost 17. It was in January of 2001. I had been a cutter for some time at this point (more on that later) and I had finally been busted by my stepmonster…I mean stepmother. She threatened to tell my father if I did not tell him I needed help. Well at that point what was I supposed to do? I went to him and told him I thought I was depressed and needed help. He in turn yelled at me, telling me that I did not know what it was to be depressed and that I was acting like I spoiled child so he would treat me like one. He then sent me to the corner for a 'time out'. Once I was finally sent to my room I grabbed a knife I kept under my mattress and seriously considered just killing myself. To this day I can't tell you why I didn't go through with killing myself. I had every intent, but something inside me just wouldn't let me do that. I ended up finally crying myself to sleep. It's worth noting that my father claims that night never happened. I know it did. We'll never agree on that. I know that night screwed me up royally.

Let me take a pause here to talk about cutting. We'll call this a PSA moment. I started cutting when I was about 15. I had moved in with my father and between the unrest there and the misery of being a high school student, mixed with my chemical imbalance (AKA depression) cutting seemed like a good idea at the time. Why? It was a way to take control of the pain. I couldn't control what my father did to me, but I could control what I did to me. It's warped but it's true. When I was 17 I stopped cutting and was 'clean' for 6 years. When I was 23 I 'fell off the wagon' so to speak. Luckily that time my brother helped me get help quickly and I've been 'clean' since (almost 4 years now). Like any vice I know I will never be cured so I refer to myself as a recovering cutter. I will always be a recovering cutter because I know I could slip up at anytime. I still get urges in high stress situations. I just know how to control those urges now. Cutting isn't something to hide or be ashamed of. It is an unhealthy coping mechanism. If you know someone that is cutting don't be angry with them, get them help. They aren't crazy, they are just in pain and don't know how else to deal.

Back to my damage. My father wasn't the only man in my life that caused me damage…in fact I would venture to say he didn't even cause me the most damage. The person that damaged me most is my ex. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him J. (Not that everyone won't know exactly who J is). I met J when I was 14 and a freshman in high school. It was love at first sight…not really, but practically. Unfortunately J did not love me. Through freshman and sophomore year I watched as he dated my friends. Then that fateful day in 1999 I found out that J had gotten his girlfriend pregnant…except not really. You see, she faked being pregnant. He didn't know that at the time and his parents sent him away to make a living and raise the baby. Turns out there was no baby, but J was still gone. We kept in contact via internet and when I was 20 I made the trek to Houston to go see him. By this point I had come to accept he and I would only be friends. I still loved him, but I had reached acceptance. Until that visit.

I stayed at J's apartment that night. He said I could have the bed and he would take the couch. We ended up staying in his room chatting until really, really late. As it got later he asked if I would mind if he just slept in the room with me. I said that was fine. I figured we were friends and it would be innocent enough. Yeah, I was naïve. So anyway, that night I'm almost asleep when J reaches around and starts touching me. I'll spare you too many details but let's just say this is how I came to give my first blow job BEFORE I'd ever had my first kiss. (The first kiss happened that night too, just later).

That night changed everything. I fell head over heels again. For the next 6 years he and I had this whole 'are we or aren't we' thing happening. He never seemed to know what he wanted from me so he kept me at arm's length. One week we'd be talking everyday about anything and everything and the next week he'd tell me that what we were doing was sinful and wrong. One week we'd talk about kids. The next week he was saying we'd never be together. It was a constant rollercoaster of emotions. At 22 I lost my virginity to him. The next day he promptly freaked out and stood me up and I didn't hear a single word from him for two weeks. I could write pages and pages about my non-relationship with J, but I won't. I think you get the idea. It comes down to this: he used me for his own gratification. I was little more than a sex toy to him and he said what he had to say to keep me hooked because he knew he could. He knew I loved him so much that as long as he baited the hook I'd be back. It was sick and twisted and I'm not sure I'll ever fully forgive him for what he did to me all those years. I'm also not sure I will ever completely stop loving him. It's taken me two years to even begin to move on from that 12 year ordeal.

In the midst of the J stuff I did try to break away. In breaking away I met someone else. We'll call him S. S and I had something good. It was a very long distance relationship, but it was good…for awhile. Unlike with J I do take some of the responsibility for what happened with S and I. The problem with us was that it was in the midst of the J ordeal and I wasn't ready to move on. I treated S horribly and things ended. S and I remained friends. It wasn't until later I realized that I wasn't the only damaged one in that relationship. S was using me too, again for his own sexual gratification. Our whole relationship really had become about phone sex before it ended. Eventually that's what our friendship became too. When I told him I wanted to try to have a relationship again he basically told me he didn't want to be with me, but he wanted me to keep the cyber/phone sex going. Um…hello? No. This just reinforced the idea in my head that I serve little purpose to a guy other than being a sex toy.

There is of course the string of guys I liked that didn't feel the same. They don't warrant being named as I don't blame them for anything. Not everyone reciprocates feelings. It's life.

The last of that string does deserve a mention though as he damaged me more than anyone since J and we really only were friends for a short time. We'll call him A. So A and I work together. We met when he started on my account and became fast friends. I developed feelings for A and told him, as I always do. He said he liked me as a friend, like guys always do. I swear I have little sister syndrome. I digress. Anyway, I eventually moved on and even got another crush. I asked A for advice. He told me, and I quote, 'You need to lose weight. A lot. Any guy that would even consider being with you would be like, 'ew'.' Um…ok.

Now, I am not a super model and yes I need to get in shape. And yes I'm working on it. But seriously? Good Goddess! So this damn near started me on the path to an eating disorder (again. I was bulimic in my teenage years…loooong time ago). Thankfully I have some good friends that helped me through that and enough guys have told me how pretty I am that I finally realized that just because I'm not a stick doesn't mean I'm not sexy and pretty. A never apologized for what he said. He never will. That's ok. I finally accepted that and moved on.

What I'm getting at with all this history is that now, at 27, I have realized I have an inferiority complex. I consider myself to be lesser and unworthy of affection. I have this idea of 'who could want me for me?'. I feel like I can't let myself be happy because it won't last. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm afraid to love and to let myself be loved.

This wasn't much of an issue in my mind, until recently. I've finally met a wonderful guy. Don't ask me how it all happened. I certainly wasn't looking to meet anyone. When we did start talking I really didn't expect to feel the way I now do for him. Hell, I had decided I didn't want to feel that way again. But it happened. I started falling. The shocker is this time he reciprocated. I know! It's crazy! He actually likes me?! OMFGWTFBBQ!!!

Of course there is the whole idea of me caring about someone again. I'm terrified to care about someone again. When I care, I get hurt. I'm scared to death about the possibility of falling in love again, which I can so see happening here. It doesn't help that it's a long distance relationship and those are hard enough. I adore him, I want to be with him…but…it's scary.

And so now we have the evil demons lurking and whispering 'this isn't real, he can't actually like you, you can't be loved,' and 'this won't last, he'll realized how damaged you are and run,' and all those other little insecurities I have. So now I find myself constantly looking for reassurance from him that it's real. And come on, what guy in his right mind wants a girl that needs reassurance every 5 seconds?! So I'm sure by now I've annoyed the crap out of him. It's like I'm trying to scare him off because sooner or later I just know he'll realize what a mistake I am.

If he is reading this, and I hope he is, I want him to know that I want this to work. I really, really deeply care about him and I know I'm a work in progress. I'm as far from perfect as it gets, but I am trying. I want to be worthy of him…I want to believe I'm worthy. It will take time. I might need some reassurance more than I should. I might seem doubtful that he cares. But above it all I want it to be known that I care. I want this to work. I'm willing to try my best if he is. I might need him to say 'Baby, stop. You know I care and you're doing it again.' Eventually I will believe it. It takes time to cut through the pain of the past, but I'm getting there. I really am. If he is willing to stick it out with me I'm willing to give every bit of myself in return. I'm hoping I haven't already caused him doubt in being with me. I'm hoping we can move on and he can understand that I am who I am.

Yes, I'm a good girl, I'm twisted, I am a comic geek, I am sweet, I am sexual, I am a little unconventional, I am damaged…but at the end of the day I am me. I like who that is…I hope he does too.