Apologies, Depth, and Batmen…

OK so once again it’s been ages since I did one of these…hell, it’s been ages since I updated anything. I wish I could say I have a great reason for this, unfortunately pure laziness is the only excuse I can really offer.

Today I have a lot of topics I want to discuss but first up is something so simple it’s unreal and that is apologies. We all know my motto (courtesy of Brian Kinney) “No apologies, no regrets”. And yes, this is a motto a still try to live by…that being said sometimes you just have to make an apology. Let me give you some examples of when an apology is warranted. 1) When you do something wrong (duh), 2) You unknowingly hurt someone in some way, or 3) an action you took or are responsible for had a negative or undesired outcome. Of course those 3 are broad. I want to make it clear I’m not saying everyone that wants an apology should get one. Just me. I’m kidding of course. No, never apologize for who you are or what you stand for. Never apologize for an action you feel you were right about. Most importantly never apologize when you don’t mean it. But, let’s say you say something to someone that hurts them very deeply, should you apologize? If so, for what? Well obviously if you didn’t mean what you said then that would be the obvious one. Now let’s say you’re not sorry for what you said. Are you sorry for hurting someone with your words? If so then you would apologize for hurting them, not for the words. As Elton says ‘sorry is the hardest word’. Sometimes ‘sorry’ can also fix old wounds, if done without prompting. Sometimes you just wait too long and it’s too late to fix the damage. So people,my advice to you is this, if you’re in a situation where it is clear an apology is wanted then think about the following: 1) Am I sorry for what I did? 2) If not, am I sorry I hurt someone with my words/actions? If that answer is also no then don’t apologize but know you may lose the person wanting said apology. In the other hand if the reason you’re not apologizing is your pride then you’re a retard and you deserve to be alone. Pride won’t offer you a shoulder to cry on or a friendly ear.  Think about it.

Next topic. It’s Jovi-mania!!!! Yes, I am move Bon Jovi obsessed than normal thanks to the ‘Greatest Hits’ album that came out this week. Now I don’t know who came up with this track listing. I’m gonna said either Jonny or Obie…whoever it was, I really could have helped. There are some key songs missing from this collections, such as ‘Thank You For Loving Me”, ‘One Wild Night’, and “Till we ain’t strangers” to name a few. And please, tell me, why the hell is ‘Blood on Blood’ on this album? Seriously. OK, it was a live hit….that does not translate to ‘greatest hit’. Seriously Jonny, Obie, and anyone else that helped out with this, if you wanted to go that route it should be a ‘best of’ not ‘greatest hits’. Big difference. That being said, still a great album, love the new songs. One of my favorites is one, ironically, called ‘No Apologies’.

Next up, men…yes I rant about men daily. I rant about them in the blog. Normally my ex, but they all suck at various times. My problem at the moment is that the guys I seem to be attracting want one thing and they have three ‘D’s. My god, I am so sick of getting emails that say ‘ur hawt, u wanna hook up?’ or shit to that effect. For those that don’t realize, the answer to that is ‘NO!"’. I am not interested in a ‘hook up’. Yes, yes, I miss sex…a lot…but not enough to jump into bed with some random dude that happens to think I’m ‘hawt’. In all fairness some of these guys can actually spell. I had one guy IM me and say, and I quote. “You are frickin cute” of course I replied ‘thank you’. I hate shallow but I also try not to be the girl who can’t take a complement. Anyway, he then said the following: “I have the body of a greek god and a cock to match. take it or leave it”. Um, what?! Did you seriously just say that? OK sure let me jump right on that!!! Not only is this guy clearly a shallow prick (and in case you guys haven’t figured this out by now, I HATE shallow), but he is also an arrogant prick, which is even worse! I politely declined his offer and he said it was because I couldn’t handle a god…sure buddy, keep telling yourself that. I’m sure Zeus himself trembles at your name. Sigh.

And speaking of Zeus, I do think he is just giving me what I want. OK maybe not Zeus but some god or goddess. I let myself get all insecure about my looks (not hard to do in this day and age) and now I can only get shallow guys that focus on how pretty I am. Yes, I needed the ego boost…badly. Now the ego is fine. I know I’m good how I am and any improvements are gravy. I get it. Guys have told me, my wonderful councilor has told me, my friends have told me, my family has told me, hell, even my supervisor at work has told me…I’m a very pretty girl. I get it. Yes. Yes. I don’t mean to complain. I’m happy so many people find me pretty. Who wouldn’t? Now I want people to see there is more to me. I am fun (if you’re a gamer/comic geek), I can hold down conversations, I want something a little deeper. The world is too shallow. You’re too fat, too thin, hair is too long, too short, nose is too big, too small, lips are too thin….I mean my god, I’m over it. For real.

Anyway, speaking of my geekness…Bruce Wayne is finally back! Batman Inc is in full swing…DC, this is the dumbest idea you’d ever had. Yes, even worse than fucking with Diana’s history or whatever the fuck you’re doing to her. Batman is, by nature, a loner in the night. Yes, the Bat Family kinda grew around him but that’s different. Those are his sons and friends and…whatever Stephanie is to him. But turning it into Batman Inc? Of all the superheroes to franchise out you pick fucking Batman? What the hell happened to Bruce when he was gone? Did he turn into Ollie? Because franchising out a secret ID seems way more Ollie than Bruce. DC, this just proves, once again, you don’t fucking know your own characters. You fucked up Jason Todd, who has so much potential it’s not even funny. You let that idiot Felicia Henderson fuck with Cassie and Conner. You did that stupid ass Diana storyline. Now this? Seriously, about the only think you’ve done right lately is making Stephanie Brown into the new Batgirl, which is an awesome series, btw. Oh, and the Red Hood mini series was great…right up until Thalia seduced Jason because she was pissed at Bruce. Seriously Thalia, you’re pissed at Bruce so you fuck his son? Really classy. Oy…

And finally, for those that don’t know, there is a new network called The Hub. Not all cable carriers have it, luckily mine does. They show some great classic shows, but by far what I’m enjoying most are the repeats of the 60s Batman show and Batman Beyond. I love the camp of Adam West’s Batman and Burt Ward is hands down the best on screen portrayal of Dick Grayson ever…because let’s face it, teenage Dick really was that cheesy. Hell, sometimes adult Dick gets that cheesy. It’s one of the many reasons I love him. An Batman Beyond is actually way better than I expected. Terry isn’t 1/2 bad. I hate it when I’m wrong.

So now that I’ve rambled on about everything, thanks for sticking with me you guys and I promise all of my sites will have new content soon. I’ll stop being lazy and post new podcasts and stories. I do have the material to post, I just gotta do it.

KTF,
Cilla

Self Image…

I've been I love exactly 2 times in my life, I've 'crushed' on a total of six people (not including the two I loved), and I've had numerous guys show attraction towards me over the years. I start off with this to put inter perspective the fact that, although my love life may not be 'active' to the level of some, it does exist to an extent. This will be important to understand later for a number of reasons.

Something else you need to understand is a little bit about my self image. I've never claimed to be the most confident girl in the world. Not even close. I fake it sometimes, but it's all an act. I have a lot of self doubts and sometimes I even self loathe. The self imagine I have developed is fragile at best and is easily shattered.

That being said, I do have, what I feel to be, a realistic self image. I am aware I am not skinny…I never will be…not without an eating disorder. It's not the way my body is meant to be. Am I overweight? Sure. I'm not blind. I can see that. I'm about 2 sizes away from a healthy weight…and when I say 'healthy' I don't mean thin…I literally mean healthy…average perhaps, but healthy…not what society would consider healthy or even old school doctors, but the size my body is meant to be. Admittedly 2 sizes is a lot…even still, I have never considered myself to be 'grossly overweight'. Fuck, I've never considered myself to be gross period. A bit 'fluffy' at times, but still relatively cute compared to the everyday population.

That is why when someone I loved (one of the two aforementioned) told me I needed to lose a lot of weight because I was 'ew' to guys I felt like I'd been beat to a bloody pulp. In truth, I was figuratively speaking. The last couple of days I have done A LOT of soul searching. I still feel internally beaten down but I think it may have been a good thing in the long run because it helped me realize what I'm made of.

At first I was just devastated. I learned how quickly being in love with someone can change…in all fairness it was a new love and it was one sided love, as both my loves have been. I had accepted he and I would be just friends and because of my first love I came to terms with that fact much easier than I did the first time I was in love. Truthfully, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from my first love and I'm not sure I ever will considering it's been 12 years. I've made a lot of progress, don't get me wrong, but I'll always love him and a part of me will always wonder what could have been…but I digress.

I knew I needed to find a logical way to get myself past this because I have a history of being self destructive when I fell insecure about weight. At one point I refused to eat for three days and then once I did start eating I purged everything I did eat. I was a teenager at the time but I know all too well how easy it is to fall into old familiar patterns. In an effort I realized I needed to soul search, but I'm starting to digress again…

The point I'm trying to get to is that during my soul search I realized several things…the first being is that there are guys that find me attractive…hell, even my first love did. Attraction was NOT one of the problems we had…hell, it's probably the only area we didn't have a problem. Beyond that there have been a lot of other guys that have commented on my looks, regardless of what size I've been…and admittedly my weight has yo-yo-ed over the years and perhaps always will. This was the first way I figured out the 'ew' comment was bullshit.

The second way I figured it out was polling other guys…guys that had no real connection to me and had no reason to lie. They mostly agreed that only a shallow, immature boy would say something like that…and that is among the kinder comments. Some of the guys were pretty brutal when I told them about what was said to me.

The third thing I did was people observing. Typically I observe parents with their small children. This is because I have such a strong maternal desire that I like to live vicariously through new parents. Anyway, I changed what I was looking for, instead of moms and kids I was looking for couples and the more I observed the more I realized that there are a lot of couples out there where one partner is larger than the other…and it's not just larger guys with smaller girls or vice versa…it's a mix of both. This proves to me not all people are superficial.

The most resent thing I did was take a really long look in the mirror. This was hard considering my self image is shot to bits. I forced myself to try to look objectively and I came to the conclusion that my original self image was right. I do certainly need to lose weight (which is something I am actively working on) but I'm not 'ew'. I just have to stay clear of shallow, superficial people.

My point in telling you all this is that I know there are a lot of women out there (maybe some men too) with image issues. You think you're too fat or too thin or too something. At the end of the day you have to come to terms with who you are because the outer shell is just the outer shell. Am I saying I'm completely over what he said to me? No way. I'm still coming to terms with it and I'm nowhere near over it. I am starting to get some of my fragile confidence back though. I have managed to avoid any of the self destructive behavior of my past and I feel I am taking steps to lose weight, but not because society says I should…because it's what I want…and it's a byproduct of karate…which is a sport I love.

I've recently started taking a karate class at the local college and I love everything about it. I think that's important too. Find an exercise that isn't just good for you but that's fun and rewarding. I found that in karate, I know others who have found that in dance. Regardless of your interest there is something out there that you can do. The most important thing is to be who you are and be comfortable with that. Never change for anyone else…especially not because you feel you need to be some sort of society norm (which usually isn't all that normal to start with). If you change something about yourself do it for you.

I really just wanted to take the time to share this story with everyone. I know a lot of people out there are going through what I'm going through and I wanted to let you all know you're not alone. If you have a story to share with me I would love to hear it. You can email me at Priscilla@jackalopesoffire.com.

KTF,
Cilla

Logical Randomness

Ok so I actually have been meaning to write again since my last post. Clearly I was in a bad place when I wrote that. It happens. I'm not perfect. For the record I'm beyond find now.

I think what really got me was the ex moving on with another girl. I don't love him anymore but the idea of him with someone else just kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, I still care about the guy...of course I do...he was my first and, to date, only love. After everything we've been through over the last 12 years logic says I should hate his guts but I don't. I don't think I ever could truly hate him. He'll always have a piece of my heart.

That being said I'm ready to move on but moving on doesn't seem to want me. Rejection is never easy and it's really easy to get swept off in the intense emotions of a crush. Once I had time to think about it I figured out that it truly wasn't that big of a deal and I got over it. There will be a chance to move on at some point. I'll be ready when it comes.

So if you've been following the podcast you know I've been all kinds of fail at updating it on time. I truly am sorry and I am going to try to be better. Work has been insane and I've gotten myself involved in so many web projects that it's hard to find time to get everything done in the timely manner I would like to.

This weekend's podcast is going to a wonderful mix of randomness...more than normal. Seriously, we started recording with no planned topics and ended up with an hour long show. I don't really know how we pulled it off but I like how it turned out. I hope you'll tune in and listen.

I also want to take a moment to promote another blog, http://comicboxcommentary.blogspot.com/ , this is an AMAZING blog for keeping up on all things Supergirl. All the latest Supergirl news can be found there along with some pretty interesting reviews. I highly recommend it to all Supergirl fans. There is a lot of exciting Supergirl news right now as she becomes more and more mainstream. As a massive Kara fan I am thrilled to see this.

And I think that's gonna wrap it up for me today. Thanks for reading.

KTF,
Cilla

For the Record: Rejection Sucks

Hey girls, here's a tip...don't bother asking guys out...well...if you're cute and sexy then go for it. If you're like me and you're just an average girl don't bother.

I asked out this amazing guy...which was my first clue it was a bad idea. Seriously, this guy was beyond amazing. He was a lot like my 'ex', not gonna lie...but like better. It's like...he made me feel important in a way Mr. Squirrel Boy never did...he made me feel like I mattered...he was easy to talk to...I could hold a conversation with him that was fun and intellegent. He was everything I've looked for in a guy (he wasn't horrible to look at either). So after hanging out with him a couple of times I asked him out. Guess what? I got the 'let's just be friends' speech again. FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not sexy? Is it the blonde ditz thing? Is there some massive flaw in my personality I'm unaware of? Seriously! What the fuck is wrong with me?!

To make matters worse Mr. Squirrel Boy has a girlfriend now. Sigh. He can get a girlfriend but I can't get a boyfriend...what is wrong with this picture? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I was happy being single...I truly was. I had found a comfortable place before this guy came along (I wasn't even wanting to fall for anyone!). That being said, Aphrodite, hear my plea...don't make me smitten for ANY ONE ELSE! Please just leave me alone. Don't send some other great guy to sneak up on me. I can't take much more.

Fuck. Sigh.

I Am Me

So judging by the reactions I’ve gotten from various people lately I think it’s safe to say I’m a giant walking contradiction. Some people have said I always seem sad and upset while yet others have called me, and I quote, “a shining ray of light”. This is all very funny to me because I think of myself as a mostly cheerful person. OK, I’m human. I have my down moments. Yes I get depressed and sad and mopey…and maybe I have a really bad habit of only posting online when I’m in one of my sad/bad moods. Day to day though I really am closer to that ‘shining ray of light’…or at least I try to be. I really do feel life is too short to sweat the small stuff. I try hard to let most things roll off my back and not let them affect me…again though, I’m human and I have my moments when I just can’t help it, things get to me.

Now this may not be the best time to drone on about how happy go lucky I am considering I’m sitting in my bed right now with a stomach ache, but I’ve been meaning to write this post for like a week now and other stuff just keeps coming up. Mostly I’ve been trying to plow through my writer’s block. I’m about ready to kill Batman off in my fic just for lack of any other interesting ideas. Writer’s block is evil.

Oh, and for those that listened to our Father’s Day podcast, Chuck and I did in fact go home for the weekend. It was amazing to be in the Valley again and see the familiar sights, but it always is. There’s some places I usually go see that I didn’t feel the need to drive past this time, which is huge personal growth on my part and proof I’m letting the past go…even if I do still love the familiarity of the Valley as a whole. Aside from Chuck being his typical asshole self sometimes it was a pretty amazing weekend. (And yes, it’s ok if he reads this…I call him on his bullshit in person too, not just on the blog). Most importantly our dad had a great weekend which is what it was all about anyway…even if I did have to bite my tongue more than once with my dear brother to avoid a squabble.

One after effect of the weekend is exhaustion. I had to sleep on the floor, which I totally didn’t mind, but I didn’t sleep well either and I’m still trying to catch up on sleep. Exhaustion leads to some fucking weird dreams for the record. I’ve dreamt about everything from loosing teeth to a past love. It’s insane. As much as I love dreaming I’ll be glad when I’m rested and I have normal dreams again (well, normal for me…my dreams are always a little wonky). In fact I’m actually about to close my eyes here in a minute and see if sleep follows. I know it’s not even 4:30 yet but I am THAT tired.

Finally, if you’re up north and you’re complaining about your hot summers…shut the hell up. Come to Texas for a summer then talk to me. It’s fucking hot here…now I like summer much more than winter mind you…but it’s still fucking hot.

I think I lost my original point of this post…oh right…I’m a happy cheerful person in person…honestly. :)

KTF,
Cilla

Rants, Rambles, and the Future of JoF...

Pissed does not even begin to describe my mood today...I'm not going to be too terribly specific except to say that I tried to be an adult and handle the end of my friendship with someone else with dignity and grace. I went out of my way to be nice and I was civil and kind. I showed I still cared and even offered to be there for said ex-friend if she ever needed someone. Then she made the mistake of messing with my job and now she's an enemy. I have few enemies because I'm pretty easy going, but because it takes so much to push me that far...I'm not someone you want as an enemy.

As for everything else, it's been a rough week. I know those happen and it's all good...or it will be all good. i'm just thrilled this week is over. I'm thrilled to be recording a podcast this weekend (the podcast you'll be hearing next week. We already have this week's done). Hopefully the podcast is finally getting back on track. Once we get the podcast into a groove I'll move on to the next step of bettering JoF. It's hard to do everything I want at this point because it is a one woman project. Chuck and I actually just had this discussion...he freely admits he's voice talent and that's it. Without me there would be no JoF. I do everything else...the editing, the website, 1/2 the voice work, the planning, the promotion...it's all me. I'm not complaining really...I do enjoy doing it. I do wish I had someone to take some of the work sometimes though. It's not like I don't have enough to do with Uncharted Wind and Femmes de justice (my website and my LiveJournal). Someone needs to pay me for podcasting and all would be perfect.

That being said I am actually looking into...different avenues to take JoF. A lot of it is just in my head right now and may or may not come to fruision...and if it does it'll take time.

Right now my thoughts are completely all over the place. I'm angry, I'm tired, and quite frankly I feel like beating the shit out of someone which is an unfamiliar and uncomfortablt feeling to me (I'm normally pretty passive). In my desire to beat the shit out of someone I did do some boxing training (love the WiiFit) and stupid me decided beginner wasn't fast enough so I did the intermediate level...yeah, I managed to fuck up both my shoulders. It hurts to pick up the remote control now. Feels like muscle strain...can we say 'Icy Hot'? But it did make me feel better for a few minutes...but now I'm pissed again. I hate being this pissed...it pisses me off. Yes, I'm pissed that I'm pissed...how fucked up is that? I think I actually understand the rage of Jason Todd today (and if you get that comic reference give yourself 15 points).

Next time on JoF: TV show comic adaptations. This one gets interesting. Tune in to www.jackalopesoffire.com on Saturday to listen for yourself.

Anyway, I'm done with my ranting and rambling for today. I'm sorry, for my unguided train of thought today...like I said, long week. Until next time...

KTF,
Cilla

¡Cogida Aruba, Viva Perú!

That subject is a rough translation...thank you Babel Fish...anyway...moving on...

So I'm tapped out on creativity. It's annoying as fuck. Then again it's my own damn fault...kinda. The fact I'm not feeling well isn't helping. I'm weak and...mostly just weak. Anyway, it's my fault because I've been writing like a mad woman all week (if you have seen my LiveJournal then you know this). I'm still seeing the characters doing stuff in my head...it's just in short bursts instead of full scenes, which is even more annoying. Right now I'm on a Stephanie Brown/Jason Todd kick (don't worry if you don't get that, it's a comic thing).

Speaking of comics, tomorrow's podcast is about comics...specifically movie adapations of comics. This is an episode I spent a couple of weeks planning, which is probably why it ran a bit longer than I'd hoped. It's ok, I think there's some great discussion (and some fine humor) so it's well worth the listen.

In other news, Joran Van der Sloot. Name ring a bell? Yeah. The dude that killed Natalee Holloway, the Alabama teen that vanished in Aruba 5 years ago. If you don't know that story you've been living under a rock and need to learn the wonders of Google. Now, I'll discuss this on the podcast in a couple of weeks (next week's episode is already recorded) but I want to address this anyway. Van der Sloot was already on the hook with the US feds for extorsion but in Peru he killed another girl, Stephany Flores. She was killed 5 years to the day that Natalee vanished (was killed IMO). You know what? Aruba, this is your fucking fault! Seriously! OK, yes, Joran did it, but Joran wouldn't have been on the streets a free man if Aruba had done it's job instead of covering for him. He killed once and got away with it, of course he killed again! No brainer! The difference is this time he didn't killed a foreign girl in his country...oh no...he was a foreigner that killed a girl in her country. Idiot. Not only that, Stephany's father is a very well respected man in Peru. He's a respected politician and race care driver and such. Joran is gonna fry this time. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. He isn't elegible for the death penalty under Peruvian law...but based on what I saw on the news today that isn't going to stop anyone. The police had a bullet proof vest on him and had to form a permeter around the police station to keep the angry mobs from killing Joran. Personally I say let the mobs have at him. He showed no mercy for Natalee or Stephany, why should he be shown any mercy? All I can say is at least justice will finally be served, even if it's not for Natalee he will pay. It's just a shame another woman had to die to get here. Fuck Aruba! Viva Peru!

Yes, I can rant as long windedly as Chuck when I have something to rant about and something about innocent women dying at the hands of a sociopathic idiot just gets under my skin, call me crazy.

Anyway, that's it for now. Thanks for reading and check out the all new episode of JoF tomorrow!

KTF,
Cilla

Heaven, Hell, and Shrek

Do you remember the horrid Fanta commericals from a few years back with the...::gulp:: Fantanas? Yeah, I tried to purge them from my mind too. If we could retcon real life I would have so retconned them. Well guess what, they're back! the horror!

So I went to see Shrek 4 this weekend (more on that in a second) and sure enough there was a Fanta commerical. And then the real horror...they've 'reunited' to look for a new forth Fantana. This means...dun dun dun...they're back! Come on Fanta, those Fantana commerical were eye gougingly bad and mind numbingly annoying the first time around. Do we really need to go there again? Seriously, there's not many ad campaigns I hate with a passion. Sure some are lame or stupid or kinda irk me...I hate the fucking Fantanas. I can't even tell you how much. Come on America, boycott Fanta until the Fantanas are back where they belong...happily reconned (or at least forgotten).

Now then, Sherk 4...I was psyched because it's in 3D and I love Shrek, but I was worried because Shrek 3 was kinda eh. I was happily surprised that 4 was way better. I had so much fun watching it. I love the independent warrior princess Fiona and supersized puss out of boots. I love the overall story and the twist to the Rumpelstiltskin story. I love the happy ending. I love the lesson of "you don't know what you've got till it's gone". I just love it. Awesome movie and I recommend every Shrek fan rush out to see this movie in theaters so you can see it in 3D. It was amazing.

Finally I want to praise the video game gods for bestowing upon me the WiiFit. Oh great balance board of wonder that makes working out oh so much fun. I have lost a fair amount of weight in a short amount of time so far. With the glory of the WiiFit I may actually be my cute sexy self again soon. With any luck I'll be a real life Stephanie Brown in no time! All hail the WiiFit!

Until next time...

KTF,
Cilla

PS: I have some comic reviews and a ton of stories up on my livejournal. Check it out!

The Awesome Blog!

Ok, so this shouldn't be long. I just wrote some uber long comic reviews for my LiveJournal so I think I'm tired. I mainly wanted to remind everyone to run over to JackalopesofFire.com and check out this week's cast. Great stuff as always.

So, my long weekend if off to a great start. I had a GREAT day today. New comics, new clothes (that fit me right and in a smaller size, go WiiFit!), and new jewelry. I love spending time with my mommy. She's the best. :)

One of the shirts I got today is the really sexy off the shoulder shirt that is so unlike what I'd typically wear but it's so cute and it actually fit me. If I keep going the way I'm going I'll be able to fit in the other sexy clothes again soon. Look out guys and gals of Austin...I'm coming soon.

LOL, it's so good being me right now. My confidence is just way up there and life is generally good...not perfect, just good...which is actually better than perfect. Perfect never lasts. Perfect always falls apart sooner rather than later. Good can last for awhile before it goes south...and yes it will go south...that's just the nature of life...ups and downs and all. Right now it's good though and I'm going to enjoy it because I've earned it. I've earned my current happiness. It's my happiness to bask in.

For the first time in...well maybe ever I feel like a 'normal' girl. Well, as normal as a comic book geek, somewhat naive, and somewhat issue ridden girl can be. LOL, I guess I'm just so comfortable in my own skin right now that I just don't feel like a freak, which is a nice change of pace for me. I'm awesome!

So, I could continue to ramble on about my complete awesomeness for awhile, but I have a story I'd like to work on befor bed so I'm gonna say adios for now. Take care you awesome people you!

KTF,
Cilla

I learned something today...

Ok, this isn't going to be a South Park style blog, but I seriously did learn something today, even if it had no real impact on anyone but me.

So I was in the car with my parents on the way to dinner tonight and "More than a Feeling" by Boston came on. It's one of a handful of song that remind of...my former love. You know him, I've written about him before. I wrote about how I'm over him and I don't love him anymore. You remember? Yeah, that guy. Anyway, I have been actually thinking about him a lot this past week and I think that's because it's a three day weekend. There was a time that I would have been going to spend my holiday with him. So yeah, he's been on my mind. I have a lot of memories with him and they've all kinda been circulating in my head on repeat. I was starting to worry maybe I wasn't as over him as I thought.

Anyway, back to tonight...the song. I was listening to that song thinking about the first time I saw him play it on Guitar Hero. It was when I went to see him for comfort after a falling out I had with a couple of my friends. I was upset and in a bad place so I went to him, as I was prone to do at that time in my life. It was actually just over three years ago that that weekend happened. Yeah, it's sad I know that. Not the point. We can address how pathetic I am later. Anyway, it was a great weekend. He really did make everything all better. At least for the weekend. He had this way of holding me or touching me and just instantly making my problems go away. I miss that. But you see, that's what I learned today...all week I've kinda been concerned I wasn't realy over him because I've been thinking about all this stuff. The truth is, that's all it is, memories. I don't miss HIM as much as I miss the feelings...I miss what was...I miss being in love...I miss having someone that I could run to and could fix everything with a touch. It's not him, it's what his memory represents to me.

Which gets back to what I learned today...it is possible to think about the past and long for what was while being over someone. Which I also realized I am because the thought of going back to that now kinda makes me queasy. It's not where I want to be now. It was what I needed at the time and I will always be in love with those memories...but that's all they are...memories.

You know, I think I'm growing as a person. I've notice lately I have a confidence I never had before. If you listen to the Podcast I think you can hear it. I know I do. I have more of a presence now, and not just on the Cast but in my day to day life. I'm more self assured and I love it. I think it comes from being my own person and not constantly trying to change myself to become what I think someone else wants me to be. And girls, let me tell ya, that is not the way to get a guy. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but it will end horribly. Trust me, I know. You have to be who you are...and honestly, life is much more fun that way anyway!

And if any of that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry. I may not be completely cohearant right now.I'm exhausted. It is not good for Cilla to take on too many projects at once. Contrary to my best wishes I'm not Supergirl. I've completely overloaded myself at work but also in my creative work. I have the podcast, two website, one of which has two completely different sections. I have like 5 story projects I'm working on, and I'm trying to drum up viewership to my LiveJournal (twistedangl11.livejournal.com). So mny projects so little time. I'm a very sleepy Cilla right now, which is my some of my post may not make 100% sense.

Anyway, that's it for now. I do want to remind everyone to tune in tomorrow to www.jackalopesoffire.com as there will in fact be an all new episode of the podcast. You won't want to miss it. We lay out the offical cancellations of 2010. Was your favorite show cancelled? Tune in and find out!

Finally, RIP Gary Coleman. So sad when one is taken before their time. He will forever live through Avenue Q.

KTF,
Cilla

2012: Y2K Part 2 or The End?

Ok so this post really has nothing to do with that subject but I had a dream I was writing a blog with that title last night so I figured I’d throw it in for my own amusement. Granted in the dream it was 12/12/12 and there were just days before 12/21/12, which is this supposed end of the world. I prefer not to think too much about it. The thought of the world ending scares me. Chuck has a theory that, while yes the Mayan calendar is ending, it doesn’t mean the end of the world. It simply means ‘all the Mayans that are left will have to run to Target and get a new calendar’. Guess Wal-Mart doesn’t carry specialty items like million year long calendars. Anyway, I prefer to go with Chuck’s theory and not pay any attention to the end of the world stuff. Well look at that, I just made the subject line fit after all.

Now then, moving right along…

I admit it, I watched the finale of “Celebrity Apprentice”. Yes I still hate reality TV but Bret Michaels was a finalist and I love me my Bret. And with everything that’s happened to the poor guy the last couple of months I was surprised he was showing up for the live show at all. I’d stop right now if you don’t want to know who won.

I warned you…

So I was quite happy Bret won…ok, I squeed. A lot. Yeah, I did. Bret really is an amazingly creative man and I think a good hearted man as well. We don’t see this much because his other reality show, Rock of Love, didn’t put him in the best light. (Can you saw womanizer?) For the record Bret has a girlfriend. He’s still with Kristi Gibson, the mother of his two daughters. Even if they were ‘taking a break’ during the RoL days, and I’m not convinced they were, the RoL winner never stood a chance. He and Kristi are in it for the long haul. Reality TV is a joke, what do ya want?

So today I’m in an uncharacteristically crummy mood. No real reason that I can pin point…I’m just not my normal bubbly self. And goddess help me, I’m faking it the best I can. I’ve been nice to every single customer I’ve spoke with today, which is not how I was feeling at all. OK, so I might have mildly snapped at my supervisor, and that wasn’t smart, but considering how I’m feeling today it could have been much worse. I know, I know…I’m the sibling that’s supposed to be in control and let things slide off my back. I am that way for the most part but I have bad days too and this is one of them. No real reason, other than I seriously need a vacation. Let’s hear it for 3 day weekends. Hooray!

And finally, I want to offer up a quick internet lesson for all of you computer illiterates out there (although if you’re reading a blog from a Podcast page how illiterate can you be???)

1) Google, Yahoo!, and Bing are NOT browsers, these are SEARCH ENGINES. (Yes, yes, I know, Google Chrome is, not what I’m talking about). Internet Explorer, Firefox, Safari, and Chrome ARE browsers.
2) A web browser (or just browser) is how you access the internet.
3) YOU CAN enter a URL at the top of the browser page and get to a website without a search engine. In fact it’s actually time saving to do so.
4) The little box at the top of the browser where you enter the URL is called an ADDRESS BAR!
5) A URL is a web address! (Example: http://www.unchartedwind.com)

People rely too much on Google to get to website they know the address to and it drives me insane.

Oh, one more thing…go check out my new LiveJournal, read my short stories, and leave me comments! Find it at http://twistedangl11.livejournal.com. Please? I’ll give you peanuts…

KTF,
Cilla

Friendship...

So, before I get into anything else I want to take a moment to do a little self promotion. As I mentioned before I launched a new section of Uncharted Wind called 'Justice'. It's a series of fanfiction based in the DC Universe...or at least my take on it. Along with that I've created a LiveJournal. It's basically to show case my thoughts on both my stories and the happenings in the canon DCU. I've also posted little snipplets and ficlets I've written so check it out at http://twistedangl11.livejournal.com.

Now then, to today's topic...

Recently I had a falling out with someone I considered to be my BFF. This falling out happened...well it depends who you ask. From my perspective it was becoming increasingly clear that this friend, who I'll refer to as Em for the sake of privacy, was in need of help. Em was becoming more and more emotionally unstable and it was affecting various aspects of her life. Em didn't see it this way though...she saw the world as the issue, not herself. Now, I empathize with this because less than 3 short years ago I was in the same place. I know what it's like to be lost and need help. I know what it's like to feel like you're in the dark place there is no return from and that things will never get better. I've never made a secret about the trials I've gone through and the path to wellness I've taken.

I tried my best to empathize with Em and advise her on how to get the help she needs. Now, this is the most important part, you can't force someone to get help they don't want. I know this better than anyone but I had a lot of mutual aquantances telling me 'she needs help and you're her friend, you need to get her help'. Unfortuantly it doesn't work that way. I did everything I could do to convince her to seek help. I tried to lead by example, I tried to use my own experience to get her to see she wasn't alone, I did everything I could think of to get her the help she so desperaately needed.

In the end I guess I did push too hard. Maybe I wasn't as good of a friend as I should have been. It's hard for me to stand back and see someone in need of help and unable to do anything. And, truth be told, it's not easy to be around someone who is that far gone. The emotional rollercoaster and dramatics eventually becomes a lot to take and when you're around someone going through it you can't help but get pulled in to it. It makes me understand why so many people distanced themselves from me when I was going through my ordeal. Anyway, the point is that Em and I parted ways. Looking back I'm not exactly sure who ended it or if it was mutual. I do know that she said some very hurtful things at the end. She even accused me of only telling her she was taking an issue at work too far because it was making me look bad and I wanted a promotion.

For the record, yes, I want a promotion. I have never denied that. That being said I would also never but any job above the well being of a friend. Ever. It was hurtful and I think that was the intent...which hurt even more.

To be honest I don't know how Em is doing now. We haven't spoken since the fall out and she hasn't been at work. I can only pray she is getting the help she needs. And if she does someday need me I'll be there for her, but until that happens, or if it never does, sometimes the best thing to do it walk away.

I tell this story for that reason. If you know someone that needs help don't be afraid to speak up...sometimes being a good friend means saying those things that no one else will. Sometimes it will cost you your friend, but in the end you're doing a greater disservice by enabling their behavior. Sometimes it takes the harsh words to make a person stop and think. But also learn from my story that you can't force them to get help, you can only advise it. How they choose to move forward is up to them. And sometimes parting ways really is the best thing for all parties involved.

As the saying goes, "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."

I'm still here!!!!

I know I haven't written here in awhile. Honestly I've been too busy. With real life stuff and online projects I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. I recently launched a new section to Unchartedwind.com. You can find it at unchartedwind.com/Justice. Awesome new stories and I couldn't be prouder of it. And as you probably have noticed by now the Podcast is back! JOF Lives! Chuck is back and we have a great thing going. We're still in a 'reorganizing period' so not everything is 100% the way we want it but we're getting there and I'm happy with the direction.

Anyway, I know these post are typical somewhat insightful and meaningful but my thoughts are so caught up in comic books right now about the only insightful thing I have to talk about is a character analysis of Jason Todd (which is absolutely fascinating and if you don't know who I'm taking about google it now). I will say getting locked out of one's house sucks monkey balls but it's good to have a brother that lives in the same town for such situations and I'm pretty lucky in that respect. Anyway, I'll have a real update for this space within the next week so stay tuned. I'm not going anywhere, just got a bit distracted...as we all know I'm so apt to so. The 'ohh shiny' syndrome runs in my family.

KTF,
Cilla

Fearless…

I've mentioned before that I love the Taylor Swift song 'Fearless'. The song is just beautiful and awesome and if you haven't heard it run to YouTube right now and do so. I also like 'fearless' as a concept. In the liner notes to the album "Fearless" Taylor writes:

"To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts- lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. It's fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then moving on and being alright... that's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless."

Love is fearless…or it should be. I have had my heart broken…many times by the same man. I loved him fearlessly. I really did. I fought so hard for what I thought would be a fairytale romance. Sadly, it was not. Not even close. I did finally reach a point where when he sent me an email with the subject 'I'm sorry' I replied, changing the subject to 'You're not sorry'. That was fearless too…it hurt like hell but I did it. It was scary to admit to myself it was time to move on…but I did. It was even more terrifying to later acknowledge the fact I wasn't in love with him anymore. For year I feared falling out of love with him…not for the reasons you may think though. I loved this man with my whole heart but even after I flat out told him this he seemingly refused to acknowledge this. I'm not sure if it was because he was scared to face it or if he just didn't believe me…whatever the case I never felt my feelings were validated. Most people I knew saw my feelings for him as a school girl crush, which this clearly was not. I felt like I was the only one that validated my feelings for him and if I lost those feelings then it somehow voided them and meant they didn't matter. I know, when I word it, it sounds ridiculous. It made sense in my head. I finally came to terms with the fact that my love for him was real but that things change and people grow. He will forever be my first love and hold a special place in my heart, but he is not the same boy I fell in love with 12 years ago. I can hold on to the love that was and remember it and still move on.

Which I'm in the process of doing now. To be honest I haven't figured out what 'moving on' means for me yet. It may not be falling in love again. I know what I want for my life. I guess it would be nice to have a special person in my life, but truth be told I think moving on right now means finding happiness in myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm a generally happy person. I'm just not as happy with myself as I think I could be. Someone once told me that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I think that's kinda where I'm at right now. I like the idea of being independent and self sufficient. I spent so many years of my life trying to make myself the perfect girl for someone else that I think I kinda lost myself somewhere along the way. I desperately wanted to be what I thought he wanted so he'd be with me. That is NOT fearless. That is just stupid.

Stepping up and saying 'I'm done, I am moving on and I don't love you anymore!'…that's fearless. Taking charge and being independent and starting a life that doesn't revolve around a man (or woman), that is fucking fearless. I guess what I'm getting at is that we should all take note of Taylor's proclamation of 'Fearless'. Find out what makes you fearless and do it! Life is too short to worry about fear.

KTF,
Cilla

I’m Hot?!?!?!?!

Ok this is gonna be a hard one to write without coming off sounding conceited. Actually that's the opposite of reality. I'm not conceited at all. I'm actually shocked that…whoa, wait, back up. I'm ahead of myself. Sorry. I do that sometimes. Let me start at the beginning here.

So in spite of my better judgment a very close friend of mine talked me into retrying OKCupid. Now, for those that don't know, OKCupid is a dating social networking site…think MySpace for singles. I had a profile there from awhile back that I had deactivated because it just wasn't for me. Well, as I said, my friend talked me into giving it another go. I am actually finding the whole experience interesting…but not all the reasons are what you'd expect.

First thing I noticed is that it was actually possible to lower my opinion of the male species as a whole. Now I don't want any guys reading this to take that personally because it's just a broad stereotype that I've noticed several, but not all, men fall into. It started when this really uber hot guy pretty much asked me for a booty call (to which I kindly replied "You're hot and all but I'm not into the whole hooking up thing"). I thought that was as low as my opinion could get but the more male profiles I see where the men have posted a picture of their abs as opposed to a picture of their faces the more my opinion sinks. It's truly sad.

The other thing I noticed was that my profile gets a shit ton of hits. I get a lot of messages about how beautiful I am. Now, granted, none of these messages are coming from anyone I think I'd be even remotely interested in (a couple of the guys seem like one straw away from being on the six o' clock news "more on the Austin rapist after this".) That isn't really the point. The point is guys (and some girls) actually seem to find me attractive…more than mildly so…like beautiful. I'm like "WTFOMGBBQ". I never considered myself to be 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous'. Mildly cute perhaps…I mean I never thought I was gross, but, average perhaps. I knew I was a good person and I have the whole 'inner beauty' thing down…but outer beauty? Me? No way. However, people actually seem to think I'm hot! Like for real. I'm actually starting to believe this myself. I will say it's been a massive ego boost and inspired me to get back to my daily health routine. If I really am hot I need the confidence and attitude to back it up and I'm most confident when I'm living healthy.

Like I said, I don't mean to sound conceited. That isn't the point of this at all. My point here I guess is to, hopefully boost other's self confidence too. I think we're all harder on ourselves than others are. It's hard to look in the mirror and see someone attractive staring back. I think our natural reaction is to notice our flaws and all the things wrong with us. It's ridiculous…really. I know it's really hard but listen to what other say and when you look in the mirror try to step outside yourself for just a second and try to see yourself in a third party view. Yeah, no one looks perfect (except maybe Adam Tuominen, Jon Bon Jovi, and Stephanie Gatschet) but look past your flaws and see the beautiful person you are.

I may never find love on OKCupid…in fact I rather doubt I will…but I will say that it's done wonders for my self esteem and given me the power to look back and say 'wow, those people that turned me down really did miss out, I'm awesome!'. At the end of the day everyone needs to be able to realize and revel in their own awesomeness…because you are awesome and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

As for that other thing…my loss in hope for the male species…I don't really know what to say. I'm still looking for that guy that isn't a) a psycho stalker/rapist/killer in the making, b) conceited and horny, or c) just a complete douche that isn't worth the time of day anyway. I suppose I still hold hope that somewhere such a man exists, but I hold much more hope of finding a princess than a prince at the moment. I suppose we'll see how it goes. Until next time…

Keep the Faith,
Cilla

Getting to Know You

You know me from one of two places. Either you're a friend of mine or you one of my loyal podcast listeners. Either way, welcome. I've written many blogs over the years…some personal…some not…all with various insight and personal thoughts.

I started this new blog for two reasons: 1) I haven't written a steady blog in awhile and I feel the need to let my voice be heard again and 2) I felt this blog would be a great extension to the 'Jackalopes of Fire' podcast. We discuss everything on the podcast but it doesn't usually get too personal. This blog will. It will be whatever is on my mind, be it a personal issues, social issue, political, or any other issue I deem worthy of writing about at the given time. In other words this blog will go places that the podcast wouldn't touch.

To get started here I'm actually going to post a bit about me. Some things you know, some you don't. Once you know me and how I think I believe it'll put all future posts into a bit more context. Before we get into that I want to remind everyone I love feedback. Comment here or you can always e-mail me at Priscilla@JackalopesofFire.com. Now then, without further ado…

I'm probably the most boring 26 year old ever. The thing is I'm ok with that.

My name is Priscilla but I mostly go by Cilla…or Michelle…but not so much anymore…just DON'T call me Prissy ever. Seriously

I lead a pretty quiet, serene life. I love it.

I love music…a lot…music of all kinds.

I'm a completely hopeless romantic…but I'm also jaded by the past. I'm not 100% convinced that hopeless romance exists outside a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Have you ever noticed that all Nicholas Sparks romance novels end in tragedy?

I'm very creative. I love to write, podcast, work on my site.

Not a lot makes me happier than people that read my stories and discuss them with me. I get some of my best ideas from bouncing storylines back and forth with other people.

I am a totally geek girl. I love comics, video games, all that stuff.

Supergirl is my favorite heroine. Ever.

I don't care what anyone says, Stephanie Brown is my favorite Batgirl.

Yes, I play World of Warcraft…I'm a human mage.

Nothing gets under my skin quite like disrespect.

My favorite color is purple. Like obsessively so.

I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. Some people take it as an insult…it's not meant as such.

I sometimes cry when I'm happy…even over silly little things. I can't help it.

I love strip clubs…and no I don't think they're degrading to women.

I have 3 kitties and I love them so, so much. I do want more someday.

I prefer Aussie Football to American Football…then again I prefer most Australian things. I love Australia.

I really like motocross…racing, not freestyle.

I'm mild mannered and even tempered…until I'm not…which takes A LOT…but when I do lose it LOOK OUT! Don't worry, it's a rare occurrence.

I've reached a point in my life I like who I've become. It's a wonderful thing.

I love kids…SO much. I want to be a mom someday. I just need to get my life together first.

I'm not looking for an instant romance because that just doesn't happen. I am looking for friends and hoping perhaps something more will come from one of them.

I love to laugh.

I'm very trusting…sometimes too much. I just assume people don't lie…of course, sadly, they sometimes do.

I do want to be loved.

I want someone that will dance in the rain.

Someone who will take my hand.

Someone that is worth being fearless for.

A person that cares about me and what I want.

Mostly that listens to me.

I want to matter.

Yeah...I really want to matter.

I want a first date like Taylor Swift sings about in "Fearless".

I can't tell you what my perfect person would be like.

I can tell you that not only will I know when I find it...

It really will be fearless.

I'm a big contradiction…it's part of my charm.