Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Fearless…

I've mentioned before that I love the Taylor Swift song 'Fearless'. The song is just beautiful and awesome and if you haven't heard it run to YouTube right now and do so. I also like 'fearless' as a concept. In the liner notes to the album "Fearless" Taylor writes:

"To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts- lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. It's fearless to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then moving on and being alright... that's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless."

Love is fearless…or it should be. I have had my heart broken…many times by the same man. I loved him fearlessly. I really did. I fought so hard for what I thought would be a fairytale romance. Sadly, it was not. Not even close. I did finally reach a point where when he sent me an email with the subject 'I'm sorry' I replied, changing the subject to 'You're not sorry'. That was fearless too…it hurt like hell but I did it. It was scary to admit to myself it was time to move on…but I did. It was even more terrifying to later acknowledge the fact I wasn't in love with him anymore. For year I feared falling out of love with him…not for the reasons you may think though. I loved this man with my whole heart but even after I flat out told him this he seemingly refused to acknowledge this. I'm not sure if it was because he was scared to face it or if he just didn't believe me…whatever the case I never felt my feelings were validated. Most people I knew saw my feelings for him as a school girl crush, which this clearly was not. I felt like I was the only one that validated my feelings for him and if I lost those feelings then it somehow voided them and meant they didn't matter. I know, when I word it, it sounds ridiculous. It made sense in my head. I finally came to terms with the fact that my love for him was real but that things change and people grow. He will forever be my first love and hold a special place in my heart, but he is not the same boy I fell in love with 12 years ago. I can hold on to the love that was and remember it and still move on.

Which I'm in the process of doing now. To be honest I haven't figured out what 'moving on' means for me yet. It may not be falling in love again. I know what I want for my life. I guess it would be nice to have a special person in my life, but truth be told I think moving on right now means finding happiness in myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm a generally happy person. I'm just not as happy with myself as I think I could be. Someone once told me that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I think that's kinda where I'm at right now. I like the idea of being independent and self sufficient. I spent so many years of my life trying to make myself the perfect girl for someone else that I think I kinda lost myself somewhere along the way. I desperately wanted to be what I thought he wanted so he'd be with me. That is NOT fearless. That is just stupid.

Stepping up and saying 'I'm done, I am moving on and I don't love you anymore!'…that's fearless. Taking charge and being independent and starting a life that doesn't revolve around a man (or woman), that is fucking fearless. I guess what I'm getting at is that we should all take note of Taylor's proclamation of 'Fearless'. Find out what makes you fearless and do it! Life is too short to worry about fear.

KTF,
Cilla

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I’m Hot?!?!?!?!

Ok this is gonna be a hard one to write without coming off sounding conceited. Actually that's the opposite of reality. I'm not conceited at all. I'm actually shocked that…whoa, wait, back up. I'm ahead of myself. Sorry. I do that sometimes. Let me start at the beginning here.

So in spite of my better judgment a very close friend of mine talked me into retrying OKCupid. Now, for those that don't know, OKCupid is a dating social networking site…think MySpace for singles. I had a profile there from awhile back that I had deactivated because it just wasn't for me. Well, as I said, my friend talked me into giving it another go. I am actually finding the whole experience interesting…but not all the reasons are what you'd expect.

First thing I noticed is that it was actually possible to lower my opinion of the male species as a whole. Now I don't want any guys reading this to take that personally because it's just a broad stereotype that I've noticed several, but not all, men fall into. It started when this really uber hot guy pretty much asked me for a booty call (to which I kindly replied "You're hot and all but I'm not into the whole hooking up thing"). I thought that was as low as my opinion could get but the more male profiles I see where the men have posted a picture of their abs as opposed to a picture of their faces the more my opinion sinks. It's truly sad.

The other thing I noticed was that my profile gets a shit ton of hits. I get a lot of messages about how beautiful I am. Now, granted, none of these messages are coming from anyone I think I'd be even remotely interested in (a couple of the guys seem like one straw away from being on the six o' clock news "more on the Austin rapist after this".) That isn't really the point. The point is guys (and some girls) actually seem to find me attractive…more than mildly so…like beautiful. I'm like "WTFOMGBBQ". I never considered myself to be 'beautiful' or 'gorgeous'. Mildly cute perhaps…I mean I never thought I was gross, but, average perhaps. I knew I was a good person and I have the whole 'inner beauty' thing down…but outer beauty? Me? No way. However, people actually seem to think I'm hot! Like for real. I'm actually starting to believe this myself. I will say it's been a massive ego boost and inspired me to get back to my daily health routine. If I really am hot I need the confidence and attitude to back it up and I'm most confident when I'm living healthy.

Like I said, I don't mean to sound conceited. That isn't the point of this at all. My point here I guess is to, hopefully boost other's self confidence too. I think we're all harder on ourselves than others are. It's hard to look in the mirror and see someone attractive staring back. I think our natural reaction is to notice our flaws and all the things wrong with us. It's ridiculous…really. I know it's really hard but listen to what other say and when you look in the mirror try to step outside yourself for just a second and try to see yourself in a third party view. Yeah, no one looks perfect (except maybe Adam Tuominen, Jon Bon Jovi, and Stephanie Gatschet) but look past your flaws and see the beautiful person you are.

I may never find love on OKCupid…in fact I rather doubt I will…but I will say that it's done wonders for my self esteem and given me the power to look back and say 'wow, those people that turned me down really did miss out, I'm awesome!'. At the end of the day everyone needs to be able to realize and revel in their own awesomeness…because you are awesome and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

As for that other thing…my loss in hope for the male species…I don't really know what to say. I'm still looking for that guy that isn't a) a psycho stalker/rapist/killer in the making, b) conceited and horny, or c) just a complete douche that isn't worth the time of day anyway. I suppose I still hold hope that somewhere such a man exists, but I hold much more hope of finding a princess than a prince at the moment. I suppose we'll see how it goes. Until next time…

Keep the Faith,
Cilla

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Getting to Know You

You know me from one of two places. Either you're a friend of mine or you one of my loyal podcast listeners. Either way, welcome. I've written many blogs over the years…some personal…some not…all with various insight and personal thoughts.

I started this new blog for two reasons: 1) I haven't written a steady blog in awhile and I feel the need to let my voice be heard again and 2) I felt this blog would be a great extension to the 'Jackalopes of Fire' podcast. We discuss everything on the podcast but it doesn't usually get too personal. This blog will. It will be whatever is on my mind, be it a personal issues, social issue, political, or any other issue I deem worthy of writing about at the given time. In other words this blog will go places that the podcast wouldn't touch.

To get started here I'm actually going to post a bit about me. Some things you know, some you don't. Once you know me and how I think I believe it'll put all future posts into a bit more context. Before we get into that I want to remind everyone I love feedback. Comment here or you can always e-mail me at Priscilla@JackalopesofFire.com. Now then, without further ado…

I'm probably the most boring 26 year old ever. The thing is I'm ok with that.

My name is Priscilla but I mostly go by Cilla…or Michelle…but not so much anymore…just DON'T call me Prissy ever. Seriously

I lead a pretty quiet, serene life. I love it.

I love music…a lot…music of all kinds.

I'm a completely hopeless romantic…but I'm also jaded by the past. I'm not 100% convinced that hopeless romance exists outside a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Have you ever noticed that all Nicholas Sparks romance novels end in tragedy?

I'm very creative. I love to write, podcast, work on my site.

Not a lot makes me happier than people that read my stories and discuss them with me. I get some of my best ideas from bouncing storylines back and forth with other people.

I am a totally geek girl. I love comics, video games, all that stuff.

Supergirl is my favorite heroine. Ever.

I don't care what anyone says, Stephanie Brown is my favorite Batgirl.

Yes, I play World of Warcraft…I'm a human mage.

Nothing gets under my skin quite like disrespect.

My favorite color is purple. Like obsessively so.

I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. Some people take it as an insult…it's not meant as such.

I sometimes cry when I'm happy…even over silly little things. I can't help it.

I love strip clubs…and no I don't think they're degrading to women.

I have 3 kitties and I love them so, so much. I do want more someday.

I prefer Aussie Football to American Football…then again I prefer most Australian things. I love Australia.

I really like motocross…racing, not freestyle.

I'm mild mannered and even tempered…until I'm not…which takes A LOT…but when I do lose it LOOK OUT! Don't worry, it's a rare occurrence.

I've reached a point in my life I like who I've become. It's a wonderful thing.

I love kids…SO much. I want to be a mom someday. I just need to get my life together first.

I'm not looking for an instant romance because that just doesn't happen. I am looking for friends and hoping perhaps something more will come from one of them.

I love to laugh.

I'm very trusting…sometimes too much. I just assume people don't lie…of course, sadly, they sometimes do.

I do want to be loved.

I want someone that will dance in the rain.

Someone who will take my hand.

Someone that is worth being fearless for.

A person that cares about me and what I want.

Mostly that listens to me.

I want to matter.

Yeah...I really want to matter.

I want a first date like Taylor Swift sings about in "Fearless".

I can't tell you what my perfect person would be like.

I can tell you that not only will I know when I find it...

It really will be fearless.

I'm a big contradiction…it's part of my charm.