Video Blog: Sickbed Ramblings

I'm sick and on pain meds so doing a video blog seemed like the thing to do...

Video Blog: Clarification

This is a little clarification on last night's vlog.

Video Blog: Where I'm At

It's been awhile since I've done a video blog. This seemed like as good a time as any.

About Me...again...

I posted a version of this a while back. This is updated and longer. This is me in a nutshell...

I’m probably the most boring 20-something ever. The thing is I’m ok with that.
I love music…a lot…music of all kinds.
I don't consider rap 'music'.
I love to sing. I used to perform a lot when I was a teenager. I miss it.
I love writing songs. If you make an impression on me I'll probably end up writing a song about you.
I’m a completely hopeless romantic…but I’m also jaded by the past. I’m not 100% convinced that hopeless romance exists outside a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Have you ever noticed that all Nicholas Sparks romance novels end in tragedy?
I’m very creative. I love to write, podcast, work on my site.
I am a total geek girl. I love comics, video games, all that stuff.
The answer is ALWAYS 42.
Supergirl is my favorite heroine. Ever.
I don’t care what anyone says, Stephanie Brown is my favorite Batgirl.
I want to be Stephanie Brown. Seriously.
Yes, I play World of Warcraft…I’m a human mage.
Because of my interest guys tend to see me as 'one of the boys'. I HATE that.
Nothing gets under my skin quite like disrespect.
I recently started taking karate. It is the most rewarding thing I've ever done and I LOVE it.
My favorite color is purple. Like obsessively so.
I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. Some people take it as an insult…it’s not meant as such.
I sometimes cry when I’m happy…even over silly little things. I can’t help it.
I love strip clubs…and no I don’t think they’re degrading to women.
That being said I am not much into clubbing. I drink MAYBE once a year if that.
I'm much more at ease in a small group sitting at Starbucks than I am in a crowded room.
I have 3 kitties and I love them so, so much. I do want more someday.
I love to sit in the pitch dark either just talking about nothing or in silence.
I prefer Aussie Football to American Football…then again I prefer most Australian things. I love Australia.
I really, really dislike shallow people. A lot.
I have issues. I don't deny this, but I am working on it.
I’ve reached a point in my life I like who I’ve become. It’s a wonderful thing.
I love kids…SO much. I want to be a mom someday. I just need to get my life together first.
I’m not looking for an instant romance because that just doesn’t happen. I am looking for friends and hoping perhaps something more will come from one of them.
I love to laugh.
I’m very trusting…sometimes too much. I just assume people don’t lie…of course, sadly, they sometimes do.
I want someone that will dance in the rain.
Someone who will take my hand...in public.
Someone that is worth being fearless for.
A person that cares about me and what I want.
I want a first date like Taylor Swift sings about in “Fearless”.
I can't tell you what my perfect person would be like so please stop asking me.
I can tell you that not only will I know when I find it...
It really will be fearless.

This is Who I Am…

Ok, let me preface this…this is going to probably be long. It is also going to be personal. Most of all it is going to be honest. 'Why write it?' you ask? Because, I answer, 'I need to organize my thoughts and maybe someone else out there can relate…most of all there are certain people I want to know this.'

I know what people think of me on the surface. It's typically one of a few things. I'm the good girl, I'm the 'cheerleader', I'm the sunny peppy chick, I'm the quiet one, I'm the comic geek, I'm the sweet girl. The truth is I'm a little bit of all of those things but they are also just a cover. In truth, I am damaged. I try to hide it like practically every other damaged person in the world, but just when you want to hide it most you can't. The sunny peppy sweetness? Yeah, that's a cover I use for work so the masses don't know how much I hate 99% of them. And I do. I truly dislike 99% of people. Of course I am human so I do need some people in my life. Lucky for me I do like about 1% of people (rough figures obviously). Why do I dislike people? People have expectations. People always want something. And worst of all, people lie.

OK, whoa, I got WAY off my point here. Let me divert myself back to my original point here. I'm damaged. Part of being damaged means I have issues. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or am worthy of love. I guess it helps to clarify if I go into WHY I'm damaged.

It all starts with my biological father. Growing up he was very controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive. Like most abusers he blames his victims and doesn't feel he is in the wrong. Like most victims I believed that for a long time. Everything changed one night. It's what I refer to as the 'worst night of my life'. I was 16, almost 17. It was in January of 2001. I had been a cutter for some time at this point (more on that later) and I had finally been busted by my stepmonster…I mean stepmother. She threatened to tell my father if I did not tell him I needed help. Well at that point what was I supposed to do? I went to him and told him I thought I was depressed and needed help. He in turn yelled at me, telling me that I did not know what it was to be depressed and that I was acting like I spoiled child so he would treat me like one. He then sent me to the corner for a 'time out'. Once I was finally sent to my room I grabbed a knife I kept under my mattress and seriously considered just killing myself. To this day I can't tell you why I didn't go through with killing myself. I had every intent, but something inside me just wouldn't let me do that. I ended up finally crying myself to sleep. It's worth noting that my father claims that night never happened. I know it did. We'll never agree on that. I know that night screwed me up royally.

Let me take a pause here to talk about cutting. We'll call this a PSA moment. I started cutting when I was about 15. I had moved in with my father and between the unrest there and the misery of being a high school student, mixed with my chemical imbalance (AKA depression) cutting seemed like a good idea at the time. Why? It was a way to take control of the pain. I couldn't control what my father did to me, but I could control what I did to me. It's warped but it's true. When I was 17 I stopped cutting and was 'clean' for 6 years. When I was 23 I 'fell off the wagon' so to speak. Luckily that time my brother helped me get help quickly and I've been 'clean' since (almost 4 years now). Like any vice I know I will never be cured so I refer to myself as a recovering cutter. I will always be a recovering cutter because I know I could slip up at anytime. I still get urges in high stress situations. I just know how to control those urges now. Cutting isn't something to hide or be ashamed of. It is an unhealthy coping mechanism. If you know someone that is cutting don't be angry with them, get them help. They aren't crazy, they are just in pain and don't know how else to deal.

Back to my damage. My father wasn't the only man in my life that caused me damage…in fact I would venture to say he didn't even cause me the most damage. The person that damaged me most is my ex. For the sake of anonymity we'll call him J. (Not that everyone won't know exactly who J is). I met J when I was 14 and a freshman in high school. It was love at first sight…not really, but practically. Unfortunately J did not love me. Through freshman and sophomore year I watched as he dated my friends. Then that fateful day in 1999 I found out that J had gotten his girlfriend pregnant…except not really. You see, she faked being pregnant. He didn't know that at the time and his parents sent him away to make a living and raise the baby. Turns out there was no baby, but J was still gone. We kept in contact via internet and when I was 20 I made the trek to Houston to go see him. By this point I had come to accept he and I would only be friends. I still loved him, but I had reached acceptance. Until that visit.

I stayed at J's apartment that night. He said I could have the bed and he would take the couch. We ended up staying in his room chatting until really, really late. As it got later he asked if I would mind if he just slept in the room with me. I said that was fine. I figured we were friends and it would be innocent enough. Yeah, I was naïve. So anyway, that night I'm almost asleep when J reaches around and starts touching me. I'll spare you too many details but let's just say this is how I came to give my first blow job BEFORE I'd ever had my first kiss. (The first kiss happened that night too, just later).

That night changed everything. I fell head over heels again. For the next 6 years he and I had this whole 'are we or aren't we' thing happening. He never seemed to know what he wanted from me so he kept me at arm's length. One week we'd be talking everyday about anything and everything and the next week he'd tell me that what we were doing was sinful and wrong. One week we'd talk about kids. The next week he was saying we'd never be together. It was a constant rollercoaster of emotions. At 22 I lost my virginity to him. The next day he promptly freaked out and stood me up and I didn't hear a single word from him for two weeks. I could write pages and pages about my non-relationship with J, but I won't. I think you get the idea. It comes down to this: he used me for his own gratification. I was little more than a sex toy to him and he said what he had to say to keep me hooked because he knew he could. He knew I loved him so much that as long as he baited the hook I'd be back. It was sick and twisted and I'm not sure I'll ever fully forgive him for what he did to me all those years. I'm also not sure I will ever completely stop loving him. It's taken me two years to even begin to move on from that 12 year ordeal.

In the midst of the J stuff I did try to break away. In breaking away I met someone else. We'll call him S. S and I had something good. It was a very long distance relationship, but it was good…for awhile. Unlike with J I do take some of the responsibility for what happened with S and I. The problem with us was that it was in the midst of the J ordeal and I wasn't ready to move on. I treated S horribly and things ended. S and I remained friends. It wasn't until later I realized that I wasn't the only damaged one in that relationship. S was using me too, again for his own sexual gratification. Our whole relationship really had become about phone sex before it ended. Eventually that's what our friendship became too. When I told him I wanted to try to have a relationship again he basically told me he didn't want to be with me, but he wanted me to keep the cyber/phone sex going. Um…hello? No. This just reinforced the idea in my head that I serve little purpose to a guy other than being a sex toy.

There is of course the string of guys I liked that didn't feel the same. They don't warrant being named as I don't blame them for anything. Not everyone reciprocates feelings. It's life.

The last of that string does deserve a mention though as he damaged me more than anyone since J and we really only were friends for a short time. We'll call him A. So A and I work together. We met when he started on my account and became fast friends. I developed feelings for A and told him, as I always do. He said he liked me as a friend, like guys always do. I swear I have little sister syndrome. I digress. Anyway, I eventually moved on and even got another crush. I asked A for advice. He told me, and I quote, 'You need to lose weight. A lot. Any guy that would even consider being with you would be like, 'ew'.' Um…ok.

Now, I am not a super model and yes I need to get in shape. And yes I'm working on it. But seriously? Good Goddess! So this damn near started me on the path to an eating disorder (again. I was bulimic in my teenage years…loooong time ago). Thankfully I have some good friends that helped me through that and enough guys have told me how pretty I am that I finally realized that just because I'm not a stick doesn't mean I'm not sexy and pretty. A never apologized for what he said. He never will. That's ok. I finally accepted that and moved on.

What I'm getting at with all this history is that now, at 27, I have realized I have an inferiority complex. I consider myself to be lesser and unworthy of affection. I have this idea of 'who could want me for me?'. I feel like I can't let myself be happy because it won't last. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm afraid to love and to let myself be loved.

This wasn't much of an issue in my mind, until recently. I've finally met a wonderful guy. Don't ask me how it all happened. I certainly wasn't looking to meet anyone. When we did start talking I really didn't expect to feel the way I now do for him. Hell, I had decided I didn't want to feel that way again. But it happened. I started falling. The shocker is this time he reciprocated. I know! It's crazy! He actually likes me?! OMFGWTFBBQ!!!

Of course there is the whole idea of me caring about someone again. I'm terrified to care about someone again. When I care, I get hurt. I'm scared to death about the possibility of falling in love again, which I can so see happening here. It doesn't help that it's a long distance relationship and those are hard enough. I adore him, I want to be with him…but…it's scary.

And so now we have the evil demons lurking and whispering 'this isn't real, he can't actually like you, you can't be loved,' and 'this won't last, he'll realized how damaged you are and run,' and all those other little insecurities I have. So now I find myself constantly looking for reassurance from him that it's real. And come on, what guy in his right mind wants a girl that needs reassurance every 5 seconds?! So I'm sure by now I've annoyed the crap out of him. It's like I'm trying to scare him off because sooner or later I just know he'll realize what a mistake I am.

If he is reading this, and I hope he is, I want him to know that I want this to work. I really, really deeply care about him and I know I'm a work in progress. I'm as far from perfect as it gets, but I am trying. I want to be worthy of him…I want to believe I'm worthy. It will take time. I might need some reassurance more than I should. I might seem doubtful that he cares. But above it all I want it to be known that I care. I want this to work. I'm willing to try my best if he is. I might need him to say 'Baby, stop. You know I care and you're doing it again.' Eventually I will believe it. It takes time to cut through the pain of the past, but I'm getting there. I really am. If he is willing to stick it out with me I'm willing to give every bit of myself in return. I'm hoping I haven't already caused him doubt in being with me. I'm hoping we can move on and he can understand that I am who I am.

Yes, I'm a good girl, I'm twisted, I am a comic geek, I am sweet, I am sexual, I am a little unconventional, I am damaged…but at the end of the day I am me. I like who that is…I hope he does too.

Apologies, Depth, and Batmen…

OK so once again it’s been ages since I did one of these…hell, it’s been ages since I updated anything. I wish I could say I have a great reason for this, unfortunately pure laziness is the only excuse I can really offer.

Today I have a lot of topics I want to discuss but first up is something so simple it’s unreal and that is apologies. We all know my motto (courtesy of Brian Kinney) “No apologies, no regrets”. And yes, this is a motto a still try to live by…that being said sometimes you just have to make an apology. Let me give you some examples of when an apology is warranted. 1) When you do something wrong (duh), 2) You unknowingly hurt someone in some way, or 3) an action you took or are responsible for had a negative or undesired outcome. Of course those 3 are broad. I want to make it clear I’m not saying everyone that wants an apology should get one. Just me. I’m kidding of course. No, never apologize for who you are or what you stand for. Never apologize for an action you feel you were right about. Most importantly never apologize when you don’t mean it. But, let’s say you say something to someone that hurts them very deeply, should you apologize? If so, for what? Well obviously if you didn’t mean what you said then that would be the obvious one. Now let’s say you’re not sorry for what you said. Are you sorry for hurting someone with your words? If so then you would apologize for hurting them, not for the words. As Elton says ‘sorry is the hardest word’. Sometimes ‘sorry’ can also fix old wounds, if done without prompting. Sometimes you just wait too long and it’s too late to fix the damage. So people,my advice to you is this, if you’re in a situation where it is clear an apology is wanted then think about the following: 1) Am I sorry for what I did? 2) If not, am I sorry I hurt someone with my words/actions? If that answer is also no then don’t apologize but know you may lose the person wanting said apology. In the other hand if the reason you’re not apologizing is your pride then you’re a retard and you deserve to be alone. Pride won’t offer you a shoulder to cry on or a friendly ear.  Think about it.

Next topic. It’s Jovi-mania!!!! Yes, I am move Bon Jovi obsessed than normal thanks to the ‘Greatest Hits’ album that came out this week. Now I don’t know who came up with this track listing. I’m gonna said either Jonny or Obie…whoever it was, I really could have helped. There are some key songs missing from this collections, such as ‘Thank You For Loving Me”, ‘One Wild Night’, and “Till we ain’t strangers” to name a few. And please, tell me, why the hell is ‘Blood on Blood’ on this album? Seriously. OK, it was a live hit….that does not translate to ‘greatest hit’. Seriously Jonny, Obie, and anyone else that helped out with this, if you wanted to go that route it should be a ‘best of’ not ‘greatest hits’. Big difference. That being said, still a great album, love the new songs. One of my favorites is one, ironically, called ‘No Apologies’.

Next up, men…yes I rant about men daily. I rant about them in the blog. Normally my ex, but they all suck at various times. My problem at the moment is that the guys I seem to be attracting want one thing and they have three ‘D’s. My god, I am so sick of getting emails that say ‘ur hawt, u wanna hook up?’ or shit to that effect. For those that don’t realize, the answer to that is ‘NO!"’. I am not interested in a ‘hook up’. Yes, yes, I miss sex…a lot…but not enough to jump into bed with some random dude that happens to think I’m ‘hawt’. In all fairness some of these guys can actually spell. I had one guy IM me and say, and I quote. “You are frickin cute” of course I replied ‘thank you’. I hate shallow but I also try not to be the girl who can’t take a complement. Anyway, he then said the following: “I have the body of a greek god and a cock to match. take it or leave it”. Um, what?! Did you seriously just say that? OK sure let me jump right on that!!! Not only is this guy clearly a shallow prick (and in case you guys haven’t figured this out by now, I HATE shallow), but he is also an arrogant prick, which is even worse! I politely declined his offer and he said it was because I couldn’t handle a god…sure buddy, keep telling yourself that. I’m sure Zeus himself trembles at your name. Sigh.

And speaking of Zeus, I do think he is just giving me what I want. OK maybe not Zeus but some god or goddess. I let myself get all insecure about my looks (not hard to do in this day and age) and now I can only get shallow guys that focus on how pretty I am. Yes, I needed the ego boost…badly. Now the ego is fine. I know I’m good how I am and any improvements are gravy. I get it. Guys have told me, my wonderful councilor has told me, my friends have told me, my family has told me, hell, even my supervisor at work has told me…I’m a very pretty girl. I get it. Yes. Yes. I don’t mean to complain. I’m happy so many people find me pretty. Who wouldn’t? Now I want people to see there is more to me. I am fun (if you’re a gamer/comic geek), I can hold down conversations, I want something a little deeper. The world is too shallow. You’re too fat, too thin, hair is too long, too short, nose is too big, too small, lips are too thin….I mean my god, I’m over it. For real.

Anyway, speaking of my geekness…Bruce Wayne is finally back! Batman Inc is in full swing…DC, this is the dumbest idea you’d ever had. Yes, even worse than fucking with Diana’s history or whatever the fuck you’re doing to her. Batman is, by nature, a loner in the night. Yes, the Bat Family kinda grew around him but that’s different. Those are his sons and friends and…whatever Stephanie is to him. But turning it into Batman Inc? Of all the superheroes to franchise out you pick fucking Batman? What the hell happened to Bruce when he was gone? Did he turn into Ollie? Because franchising out a secret ID seems way more Ollie than Bruce. DC, this just proves, once again, you don’t fucking know your own characters. You fucked up Jason Todd, who has so much potential it’s not even funny. You let that idiot Felicia Henderson fuck with Cassie and Conner. You did that stupid ass Diana storyline. Now this? Seriously, about the only think you’ve done right lately is making Stephanie Brown into the new Batgirl, which is an awesome series, btw. Oh, and the Red Hood mini series was great…right up until Thalia seduced Jason because she was pissed at Bruce. Seriously Thalia, you’re pissed at Bruce so you fuck his son? Really classy. Oy…

And finally, for those that don’t know, there is a new network called The Hub. Not all cable carriers have it, luckily mine does. They show some great classic shows, but by far what I’m enjoying most are the repeats of the 60s Batman show and Batman Beyond. I love the camp of Adam West’s Batman and Burt Ward is hands down the best on screen portrayal of Dick Grayson ever…because let’s face it, teenage Dick really was that cheesy. Hell, sometimes adult Dick gets that cheesy. It’s one of the many reasons I love him. An Batman Beyond is actually way better than I expected. Terry isn’t 1/2 bad. I hate it when I’m wrong.

So now that I’ve rambled on about everything, thanks for sticking with me you guys and I promise all of my sites will have new content soon. I’ll stop being lazy and post new podcasts and stories. I do have the material to post, I just gotta do it.

KTF,
Cilla

Self Image…

I've been I love exactly 2 times in my life, I've 'crushed' on a total of six people (not including the two I loved), and I've had numerous guys show attraction towards me over the years. I start off with this to put inter perspective the fact that, although my love life may not be 'active' to the level of some, it does exist to an extent. This will be important to understand later for a number of reasons.

Something else you need to understand is a little bit about my self image. I've never claimed to be the most confident girl in the world. Not even close. I fake it sometimes, but it's all an act. I have a lot of self doubts and sometimes I even self loathe. The self imagine I have developed is fragile at best and is easily shattered.

That being said, I do have, what I feel to be, a realistic self image. I am aware I am not skinny…I never will be…not without an eating disorder. It's not the way my body is meant to be. Am I overweight? Sure. I'm not blind. I can see that. I'm about 2 sizes away from a healthy weight…and when I say 'healthy' I don't mean thin…I literally mean healthy…average perhaps, but healthy…not what society would consider healthy or even old school doctors, but the size my body is meant to be. Admittedly 2 sizes is a lot…even still, I have never considered myself to be 'grossly overweight'. Fuck, I've never considered myself to be gross period. A bit 'fluffy' at times, but still relatively cute compared to the everyday population.

That is why when someone I loved (one of the two aforementioned) told me I needed to lose a lot of weight because I was 'ew' to guys I felt like I'd been beat to a bloody pulp. In truth, I was figuratively speaking. The last couple of days I have done A LOT of soul searching. I still feel internally beaten down but I think it may have been a good thing in the long run because it helped me realize what I'm made of.

At first I was just devastated. I learned how quickly being in love with someone can change…in all fairness it was a new love and it was one sided love, as both my loves have been. I had accepted he and I would be just friends and because of my first love I came to terms with that fact much easier than I did the first time I was in love. Truthfully, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from my first love and I'm not sure I ever will considering it's been 12 years. I've made a lot of progress, don't get me wrong, but I'll always love him and a part of me will always wonder what could have been…but I digress.

I knew I needed to find a logical way to get myself past this because I have a history of being self destructive when I fell insecure about weight. At one point I refused to eat for three days and then once I did start eating I purged everything I did eat. I was a teenager at the time but I know all too well how easy it is to fall into old familiar patterns. In an effort I realized I needed to soul search, but I'm starting to digress again…

The point I'm trying to get to is that during my soul search I realized several things…the first being is that there are guys that find me attractive…hell, even my first love did. Attraction was NOT one of the problems we had…hell, it's probably the only area we didn't have a problem. Beyond that there have been a lot of other guys that have commented on my looks, regardless of what size I've been…and admittedly my weight has yo-yo-ed over the years and perhaps always will. This was the first way I figured out the 'ew' comment was bullshit.

The second way I figured it out was polling other guys…guys that had no real connection to me and had no reason to lie. They mostly agreed that only a shallow, immature boy would say something like that…and that is among the kinder comments. Some of the guys were pretty brutal when I told them about what was said to me.

The third thing I did was people observing. Typically I observe parents with their small children. This is because I have such a strong maternal desire that I like to live vicariously through new parents. Anyway, I changed what I was looking for, instead of moms and kids I was looking for couples and the more I observed the more I realized that there are a lot of couples out there where one partner is larger than the other…and it's not just larger guys with smaller girls or vice versa…it's a mix of both. This proves to me not all people are superficial.

The most resent thing I did was take a really long look in the mirror. This was hard considering my self image is shot to bits. I forced myself to try to look objectively and I came to the conclusion that my original self image was right. I do certainly need to lose weight (which is something I am actively working on) but I'm not 'ew'. I just have to stay clear of shallow, superficial people.

My point in telling you all this is that I know there are a lot of women out there (maybe some men too) with image issues. You think you're too fat or too thin or too something. At the end of the day you have to come to terms with who you are because the outer shell is just the outer shell. Am I saying I'm completely over what he said to me? No way. I'm still coming to terms with it and I'm nowhere near over it. I am starting to get some of my fragile confidence back though. I have managed to avoid any of the self destructive behavior of my past and I feel I am taking steps to lose weight, but not because society says I should…because it's what I want…and it's a byproduct of karate…which is a sport I love.

I've recently started taking a karate class at the local college and I love everything about it. I think that's important too. Find an exercise that isn't just good for you but that's fun and rewarding. I found that in karate, I know others who have found that in dance. Regardless of your interest there is something out there that you can do. The most important thing is to be who you are and be comfortable with that. Never change for anyone else…especially not because you feel you need to be some sort of society norm (which usually isn't all that normal to start with). If you change something about yourself do it for you.

I really just wanted to take the time to share this story with everyone. I know a lot of people out there are going through what I'm going through and I wanted to let you all know you're not alone. If you have a story to share with me I would love to hear it. You can email me at Priscilla@jackalopesoffire.com.

KTF,
Cilla